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The Enneagram and Relationships – Do you know your “personality type”?

When couples know their enneagram personality types they get deep insights into their relationship dynamics. First and foremost, I see the enneagram as a system for understanding, appreciating, and managing differences between people in relationship. Obviously this has profound implications for relationship work, and it’s become a cornerstone for my work with many couples.

If you’ve worked with me personally in the past few years, then we’ve probably talked about the enneagram together. If you have not worked with me, but have been following my writing, then it’s time for an introduction to this powerful system for self-awareness and personal growth.

I’m going to provide a brief introduction to the enneagram, and then give you links to some of my favourite enneagram resources, including the Enneagram Global Summit online event that is happening right now (it’s free, and really worthwhile).

The Nine Types (From The Enneagram Institute)

1 THE REFORMER
The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic

2 THE HELPER
The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, and Possessive

3 THE ACHIEVER
The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious

4 THE INDIVIDUALIST
The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

5 THE INVESTIGATOR
The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated

6 THE LOYALIST
The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious

7 THE ENTHUSIAST
The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Distractible, and Scattered

8 THE CHALLENGER
The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational

9 THE PEACEMAKER
The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

On the surface, the enneagram is a personality typing system that offers us nine primary “types”, and then many sub-types depending on how deeply you want to go into it. One of the things I love about it is that it is very accessible for beginners, and it also has enough depth and complexity to keep you engaged for a lifetime.

One of my enneagram teachers (and a leading scholar), Russ Hudson, notes that people are attracted to the enneagram initially because they see themselves mirrored in it. We find ourselves reflected in the type descriptions, and there’s an immediate and satisfying sense of being validated or being “seen”. And when a type description matches our partner, we feel amazed to see them so accurately described!

But beyond this initial intrigue, there’s a deeper challenge waiting. Once we discover our type, we (hopefully) become compelled to WORK with our type. Each of the different enneagram types is a kind of map for how we keep ourselves stuck in a particular pattern. Our personality type is simultaneously a beautiful gift, and a prison of sorts. Working with the enneagram helps us understand the gifts of our type, and can help us liberate ourselves from the limits that our type places upon us.

Interest in the enneagram has exploded in the past five years, and this popularization has had predictably mixed results, including a fair bit of misunderstanding and misrepresentation. To save you time and get you on the right track, I’ve curated a collection of my favourite enneagram teachers and resources for you here. Although there are some differing opinions and approaches within the enneagram community, the list below only includes the most well-respected people and organizations working with the enneagram.

Enneagram Resources

Enneagram Global Summit (The Shift Network) – This is happening right now. It’s free, and it features an incredible selection of the world’s leading enneagram teachers and collaborators; the best of the best. I especially liked the conversation with Dan Siegel on the intersection between the enneagram and interpersonal neurobiology. (Recordings will probably be available.)

The Enneagram Institute – This is arguably the most established and well-respected enneagram organization. This is the place to take your enneagram assessments to find your type. You can read a short description of the types here.

RussHudson.com – Russ Hudson is one of the world’s leading enneagram scholars, teachers, and authors. I recommend his seminal book “The Wisdom of the Enneagram”. Watch the short video of him describing each type; it is very sweet and gives you an immediate sense of his style.

BeatriceChestnut.com – As an author and teacher, Beatrice Chestnut provides her own welcome and unique approach to the enneagram. Check out her enneagram podcast, “Enneagram 2.0” with Uranio Paes. I also really like her videos on youtube where she organizes panel discussions for each enneagram type.

(Note – I may receive a modest referral compensation from one or more of the links in this article. This in no way influences my recommendations.)

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Dilemmas, confusion and the spiral nature of growth – Why dual impulses are natural, “good” advice is relative, and one person’s poison is another person’s balm

Dilemmas, confusion and the spiral path of growthTwo basic impulses –

Virtually every message that tells us how to live has one thing in common. It champions one or the other of two fundamental dual impulses. One is the impulse to merge – to connect or be one with another, an orientation toward “other”. The other is the impulse to separate – to be autonomous, an individual, an orientation toward “self”. These two impulses, or “sides” of ourselves appear everywhere in our lives as polar opposites –

  • Hold on vs Let go
  • Trust yourself vs Trust others
  • Take charge vs Surrender
  • Stay the course vs Embrace change
  • Try more vs Try less
  • Listen to your head vs Listen to your heart
  • Take vs Give
  • Rational vs Emotional
  • Simplicity vs Complexity
  • Individual vs Group
  • Self control vs Self expression

At various life stages we will each, rightly, favour one impulse over the other. Over the course of a lifetime, we will likely change how we orient to these two impulses many times over. We may also simultaneously favour one impulse in one aspect of our lives, and the opposite in another. Cultural biases, gender roles, personality patterns and other factors all have a role in shaping the process.

The trouble with advice - yin yangNeither impulse is essentially better or worse than the other. In fact, each ultimately holds the seed of its opposite. (The yin/yang symbol illustrates this beautifully.) We all align with each impulse at different times in our lives because we have developmental tasks that call on either “togetherness” or “separateness” at each stage of life. Each of these tasks is associated with one side or the other of the two poles. We move back and forth between poles as we mature, honing one, then the other. Head, then heart. Self, then other. Hold on, then let go. As we successfully attend to one aspect of our development and then the other, our expressions of each become more mature, and we become more healthy and whole, with greater capacity to appreciate and respond to all that life hands us.

As we fulfill the developmental tasks associated with one pole, it will miraculously, sometimes painfully, give way to the other. A client, Christopher, was stifled by extremely strict parents as a child. When he came to see me he was face to face with the task of finding his own self expression, his own voice. It was awkward and messy for a while. He hurt people around him and created chaos as he learned to un-censor himself. Eventually, as he fulfilled his task sufficiently, life began providing clues that it was time to orient back toward self-control, self-discipline. But this new version of control/discipline was different from the version that had been inflicted on him as a child. It was of a higher level, healthier. This illustrates an important point – Each pole has a spectrum of expressions that can be seen as more healthy or mature on the “higher” end, and less healthy or mature on the “lower” end. Imagine moving up a spiral as you mature through your life. You move around the spiral from one side to another (self then other, independence then connection) but each revolution also moves you to a higher level. Thus, a six year old’s expression of self, or other, will (hopefully!) be different from a sixty year old’s.

Gaining maturity and developing healthier relationships to both sides of ourselves allows us to loosen our grip on a particular point of view. Our self-righteousness relaxes. We experience greater flexibility and choice in our beliefs and our actions. Our relationships improve. Eventually, through hard-won experience and insight, the dual nature of the poles begins to dissolve. The rigidity of either/or gives way to the flexibility of both/and. Self AND other. Freedom AND responsibility. Connection AND autonomy. Contradiction gives way to its wise elder, paradox. Until this happens, we have a tendency to reject the parts of ourselves, and others, that represent the other side of the spiral from where we currently reside. If we’re presently tasked with growing the cooperative, generous, other-oriented side of our self, we’re likely to be biased against self-reliance and independence in all its forms, seeing them as “selfish”. If, instead, we happen to be currently developing healthier levels of individuation and self-orientation, we might view acts of generosity as manipulative, and all urges for connection as weakness or co-dependency.

A recent marriage and relationship article I wrote sparked intense response and debate from readers on both sides of the poles. For readers longing for deeper connection, the article was balm… a deep soulful YES. For those currently orienting toward the value of independence, the message felt toxic and untrue. While both poles are ultimately valid and important (in marriages and in all aspects of life) the messages we get can feel alternately challenging or validating depending on which pole we currently favour, and how healthy or mature our own expressions of “togetherness” and “separateness” are.

Here’s a scenario to further illustrate the point –
A new client comes to see me. They feel perpetually stuck in a co-dependent relationship pattern. Through therapy we discover that they feel torn between a familiar (but tired) impulse for togetherness, and an emerging (but frightening) impulse for autonomy. Are they being called to cross the pole over to independence? Or are they ready to explore a more mature form of togetherness? Should they leave their co-dependent relationship? Or should they attempt to transform it?

The core dilemma for each of us, at any juncture, is essentially this – Do I now focus on healthier expressions of my current orientation, or is it time to cross the spiral? More simply – Take this path further, or take a different path? We’re wise to be wary of simplistic, universal answers to this question.

It’s useful to remember that the inner compass that provides direction to our lives is not merely a product of applied willpower and rationality (forces well sanctioned and preferred by our culture), but rather arises from some deeper congruence of body, mind and spirit. Unconscious aspects of our path may remain hidden from us until we are ripe to recognize them. Many useful tools, insight practices and wisdom traditions are available to help ripen us in this regard. Jungians work with archetypes, myth and dreams. The enneagram provides a map based on different personality types. Attachment theory and family constellations therapy help us understand appropriate boundaries and developmental timelines. Cognitive and narrative therapies help clients piece together congruent views of self and others through examining beliefs in the face of evidence. In Hakomi we use mindfulness to notice those subtle aspects of our experience which point toward the next step of our healing, growth and integration.

Choose whichever tools suit you, take advice with a grain of salt, and be prepared to change your focus many times as you move between dual impulses on your life path.

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Campbell River Marriage Counselling Justice Schanfarber Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counselling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on the issues that make or break relationships – Sessions by telephone/skype worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com

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