When the love of your life leaves – 5 steps to help you heal

Wife husband leaves marriage relationship counsellingThe end of a relationship or marriage can feel like death. Grief is an appropriate response. This means anger, sadness, denial might all arise.

It’s visceral. Breathing is hard. You can’t sleep. For the person being left it can feel like the end of the world. You wonder if you’ll even survive. To say you’re hurt and confused or angry is too little. It feels much bigger; like everything has been turned upside down and shaken, like the ground has disappeared under your feet.

Along with negotiating urgent practical matters like finances, housing and parenting, you might also come face to face with abandonment, rejection and self-esteem issues, some of which may have been dormant and are arising for the first time.

This is a very, very tender spot to find yourself. It’s immensely uncomfortable. In my work as a counsellor I notice patterns and common tendencies in my clients. I’ve also identified opportunities and choice-points for moving forward in a healthy way. Here are five principles that can help –

1. Feel what you feel
Feelings aren’t negotiable. They can’t be wrong. They simply are. It’s important to feel what you feel. When we deny uncomfortable emotions they come back to haunt us, or they drive our behaviour from underneath consciousness, without our active consent. Rule of thumb – there’s no need to either encourage or deny feelings. Notice them, name them (“I feel sad”) and watch them change over time. Note – Anger is a feeling. Fear is a feeling. Sadness is a feeling. “S/He’s a control freak” isn’t a feeling. (More on that in a future article.)

2. Take thoughtful action
We don’t necessarily choose our feelings, although we choose how we act on them. As much as noticing our feelings is important, it would be a mistake to act on them without consulting our rational, thinking self. The trouble is, when strong feelings are present we don’t have much access to the part of our brain that makes well-considered choices. Take some time. Let feelings settle before you make important decisions around child custody, financial agreements or emails to the inlaws. Breathe.

3. Get support, but not from your (ex)partner
The person who is leaving the relationship is almost certainly not the person to help you cope with the pain you feel. You might feel extremely needy or drawn to this person right now. Do not give in to the urge to seek comfort there, especially if it is not offered. If you are holding out hope for reconciliation, say so, but then get support elsewhere. Seeing you pick yourself up, brush yourself off and take support from others is the most attractive thing about you right now in your (ex)partner’s eyes. Turn to friends, family and community for support. Tell them what helps, and what doesn’t. Find a counsellor or therapist that you trust.

4. Stay open, even when it hurts
When we feel hurt and angry we look for an explanation. We want to understand. We assume we shouldn’t feel this way, that it’s a big problem. And so we search for a reason. The reason we find is almost always some version of I’m bad or They’re bad or The world is bad. What these three positions all offer is a way out of the confusion. Assigning cause (blame) does relieve some tension. The problem is that each of these three beliefs locks us into an adversarial relationship – with self, with other, or with reality (the world). I’m not saying that your relationship ending wasn’t caused by you or them or the unfairness of the world. But getting too fixated on any of those causes makes you rigid and closed to possibilities that might be just around the corner.

5. Help others
This piece of advice was given to me by a friend over a decade ago when a relationship was ending and I was in deep pain. His simple and wise words led me to the act of writing this for you now. Helping others gets us out of our own head and puts us in direct contact with the universal experience of suffering. Everybody hurts. Help someone. Share their pain, and feel your own soften.

Also read –
Dilemmas, confusion and the trouble with good advice
Is victim a dirty word? On victim blame, victim denial, victim mentality and what the victim archetype can teach us.

Like what you’re reading here?
You’ll love my new book.
Read the first 10 pages free.

The Re-connection handbook for couples - by Justice Schanfarber - web box2

8-week Relationship Intensive - Justice Schanfarber

 

Campbell River Marriage Counselling Justice Schanfarber Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counselling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on the issues that make or break relationships – Sessions by telephone/skype worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com

Like Justice Schanfarber on Facebook

 

Sign up to get my articles by email –

Help others – share this article using the buttons below.

57 thoughts on “When the love of your life leaves – 5 steps to help you heal

  1. Left after betrayal

    Thank you for this. I have been trying to do the work after a very challenging breakup. I enjoyed reading your articles and you make excellent points. I was in a relationship with a man for two years and sti love him dearly. I wanted so desperately to build the life we wanted. But after dating long distance, and then having him move in with me, things weren’t right. He wasn’t present and things were so different. I couldn’t explain it, but on many levels I think he wasn’t happy with the move and just shut me out. I couldn’t recover and then, feeling that rejection a turned to an ex for emotional support. Once that betrayal was discovered, he just took off. No conversation, no end. It has been excruciating and the depth of abandonment I feel is intense. I will certainly add these tips to my tool belt, but it is all starting to make just a little more sense now.

    Reply
    1. Sarah

      I was in the exact same position. I did long distance with my ex boyfriend for 10 months, then moved in with him and it lasted another 8 months. But the man he was when we were first dating wasn’t the man he was in the end, or at least how I saw him. It’s like he shut down and didn’t know how to handle conflict. I felt so unloved sometimes even though I knew he loved me deeply, he just didn’t feel the need to tell me every day or touch me ever day..only just ended 3 weeks ago, pretty rough! Feel free to let me know if you need someone to talk to, in it together

      Reply
      1. paola

        This is exactly what happened to us. But beingnin other country we go married and when i knew wasn’t right I found out I was pregnant. And I stayed. And he never made an effort. I said i wss trying to do everything for me for us for our daughter..but how to show my daughter to be happy if I’m not.. is thus the love I want she learn to give and expect to ge? Mediocrity of love? Took me for granted took us for granted…. rough but not mortal..
        Keep going you left in time… God bless you

        Reply
      2. Deborah

        I. Know. How. U. Feel. My. Ex. Left. Me. For. Another. Woman. But. U. Know. I. Still. Love. Him. Very. Much. Sometimes. I. Wonder. If. We. Will. Ever. Get. Back. Together. Again

        Reply
        1. Savanah

          You and I can relate for the most part. I lost the love of my life, a 10 year relationship. We were not able to live together as we were both married and we both within the last year, finally decided to end our marriages since both our kids left for college, the only reason we remained in loveless marriages. Our dream of being together was finally coming together. We gave each other distance while we took care of things in our homes, but stayed in touch periodically. Not a few months later (just last week) he sent me a text, not even a phone call, to tell me he was moved out, divorce filed and almost finalized AND… that he met someone else and was in love with her. I begged for a phone call so I could talk to him and try and understand how this happened so quickly and how someone else could have taken his enduring love away, but really needed to discuss so I could try and seek closure. We were madly in love with one another for ten solid years and made many sacrifices for each other, that was no doubt. He was always respectful to me and never treated me badly and was always honest, even if it was something that would hurte or upset me, always. I am so distraught and don’t know how to stop thinking about him, wondering who this new woman is, and where and when things fell apart., especially when just a few months earlier we were driving through potential neighborhoods, making plans and both elated. I know my karma is giving back what I deserve for not leaving my husband sooner, I do know i am a piece of crap for having this relationship, but I am hurting so badly I feel physically ill and not in control of my own self. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know how to heal. I obviously have little to no people to discuss this with which makes things that much harder.

          Reply
          1. Keith

            I am currently in the exact same predicament that you were in when u posted this. Only difference is we had an affair for 11 years but hadn’t ended our marriages yet. We had only talked of it but had plans to do it within the next couple of months. I’ve never been so in love and looked forward to sharing our lives together. It all ended this past New Year’s Eve when she decided to take her 15 year old daughter to Cancun and party like she was a teenager again. Yes that’s right her 15 year old a daughter and her wearing thong bikinis, drinking alcohol and not wearing her wedding band. She went totally silent on her phone New Year’s Eve and didn’t respond to any of my texts until the next morning. Then said I was crazy for thinking that she was with someone. Who goes to Cancun for New Years Eve to party with their 15 year old daughter and acts that way? Not someone who is serious about a future with me. Which is what I told her. She ended the relationship and hasnt spoken or text me since. After 11 years I’m left lost and confused as to what happened and what made her want to seek out that kind of attention. Now I’m wondering if it was ever real to her. I know I have to move on but I have such an emptiness inside and the loss I feel is crippling. Any advice on how to move on from losing the one you thought was the love of your life would be appreciated.

          2. Andrew

            Savannah,

            I am going through the same thing right now. Is there anyway I could talk to you because this just happened today and I feel like my life is over. I’m devastated. I lost the love of my life. It is basically the same exact scenario but not 10 years. I really could use your help on how you dealt with this seeing that it’s been a year for you. I hope everything is ok for you now. I’m so lost and sad. If you could help me I would really appreciate it. Thank you in advance if you can.

          3. Sam

            This made me cry
            But i know how you felt
            Love hurts

            But listen when i lost the love of my life
            I became ill and faced cancer
            After that i realised how precious i am.and if he doesn’t want me someone else will. and now i don’t want him

            You need to move on x

    2. aqua

      hey im in a long distance relationship for past 1. 5 yr roughly. we never met in real.. it is all about skype or video sex. he blocked me so many times in his this era. he blocked me on fb, whatsapp, on his number. sometimes complete blockout even. he never saved my number. he never added me in fb, instagram ir any other social site. he only sexts when ever he wants. but then when he block me my whole life seems ruined. i feel suicidal and deeply hurt. he blocks me whenever he wabts. i still love him despite all this. im tired of it, im hurt beyond expectations. i dont know what to do next? the same shit is going on for the past 1. 5 years.

      Reply
      1. Justice Schanfarber Post author

        All relationships and all types of relationships are bound to come with challenges. If having suicidal thoughts please call 911 or your local suicide prevention hotline to get help!

        Reply
  2. Jennifer blair

    I am not happy in the relationship that am in . I am carried this man he only does something if I tell him he is 53 just not happy I need a an to love me and to feel loved , that when he hold I should feel him , I don’t feel nothing he speak hi time on the cumputer day in day out. I will be on the bed looking glamorous and he does not see me so o need to move drm

    Reply
  3. Salvatore c

    Thank you , i chois know that bifore invandring se dif. Point i forgot to do we have been together for 25 years end we just statt a divorce che want it , end i am left whith all the bad felings end it urt so much end more then that !! I wil trie to applicate the 5 point to past that i am looking forward to be there , thank you again ciao salvatore

    Reply
  4. Cassie

    My husband recently left me. His only reasoning is that he felt trapped. We’re young but have been together for years. I have a lot of up and downs. Reading this has made me have clarity and that I should be strong on my own no matter where life takes me, no matter where we end up, I have to let go for now. Thank you.

    Reply
    1. Trudy

      Hi my husband has told me he feels trapped have been together 20 years I am terrified of losing him I told him I will give him his space go out do what you want but I think I am coming across desperate I just don’t know what to do I want to become strong to say go I have a great job lovely boys a nice car he will have nothing I worry about that as well so so scared of being alone any advice

      Reply
  5. Hear broken

    I feel lost. No connection between my husband and myself. It’s like you said he’s there but not really there. We are always arguing placing the blame back and forth. We have a dissociation with each other and over the yeasts it had gotten worse. We’ve been in therapy for almost 2 years but it doesn’t seem to be helping more like giving me a better example of why I don’t want to stay. Tali about ignoring the person we are in therapy and he doesn’t even have the decency to put his phone away. He’s on the phone from the time we sit down to the time we end. What’s the point of being with a person who is there but not really there. I’m tired of it; of being ignored as a person; of being a parent to a full grown child as well as to our own children. I want to stay with him but I want to be more than just a piece of ass he wants to get every once in a while and I don’t always want to be touched just because he wants to have sex. I want to be held like I use to be held like I was the most important thing in his life that nothing else mattered whether it was for 5 minutes or 2 hours. I’ve lost all the feelings of love that I had for him because I’m ignored. If he tried to be romantic again and started to want to really know me again we might find the passion we once had but for now all I ask is for us to be civil to one another. My heart is breaking and I’m so lost.

    Reply
    1. Anon

      You couldn’t have said it more perfectly. I recoil from his touch because that is the only time he touches me. I feel no connection with him anymore. It’s like a stranger touching me and in a way feels predatory. Like I’m in the mood so because I am you should be ready. It doesn’t work that way guys. Just because you have been in her pants once, doesn’t grant you unrestricted access. Do you remember all the sweet things you used to do trying to get in her pants the first time? Perhaps if you did some more of that instead of acting entitled to it she might be more cooperative.

      “I want to stay with him but I want to be more than just a piece of ass he wants to get every once in a while and I don’t always want to be touched just because he wants to have sex. I want to be held like I use to be held like I was the most important thing in his life that nothing else mattered whether it was for 5 minutes or 2 hours. I’ve lost all the feelings of love that I had for him because I’m ignored.ñ

      Reply
      1. Allania

        I totally second what both you ladies are saying. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2. He preferred porn to me, has said downright scarring things, and 6 months ago he lost his lid because for the umpteenth time he thought I was cheating. I let the D word drop, and since he’s tried to reconcilliate with me. But at this point, I just cannot seem to trust his motivation, his change, and i recoil from him because I just don’t feel any pleasure from it anymore. I only get stressed and confused and we’re at the point where I’m ready to leave, and it’s so hard because I DO love him and he’s my best friend and a great father. I just don’t see any getting past this and I’m so scared of wasting the rest of my youth in a dead end relationship. Isn’t being happy important? I don’t even know anymore.

        Reply
      2. jim

        All I can say to you ladies is to never hold back sex. He will tune out and you will have way less of his cooperation. Me and my ex had a great fun loving relationship but soon as she started to withhold sex it was downhill from there. I’m telling you DONT DO IT! Guys are so simple!!! Yes so are women in a way. If you want him to pay attention to your feelings and emotions then you better not take away sex! Thats our communication! Thats you speaking to our hearts! That physical connection is all we need! Yes we get spoiled and complacent and we may get to where we give you minimal attention. Because we think its too complicated. Lol but if you take away sex then you might as well forget it getting better. If you take it away hes not going to focus on you! Hes going to focus on getting sex again! It throws his focus way off track! Its a very delicate thing when it gets to this point. Trust me! Continue giving your man his physical needs and continue showing him you love him. Dont complain at him. Praise him and compliment him. If he used to be the man that did all the things you once adored him for it will most likley come back if you do this. But if you want it to end then by all means get bitchy with him and complain and give silent treatment and withhold sex and youll end it for sure.

        Reply
  6. Patricia Parsons

    I was in a marriage for 16 years that tore MD down everyday. I felt useless and was told daily no other man would want me. I finally decided to stop the craziness and end it. I was aware of his cheating but not that he was in another relationshIp. It was an eye opener to say the least. I went through 5 years of counseling which never did help w/ my self confidence. I never remarried but have a wonderful full life w/ my family. I did learn that when it’s over its over and nothing can repair it.

    Reply
  7. Elizabeth

    I have been with my husband for three years now. All he does anymore is drink and put his headphones on so he can’t hear anything going on with me and the kids. I am having a hard time coping and am thinking about leaving. He doesn’t listen and always makes comments that hurt me. I related to this article.

    Reply
    1. Christina

      I have been married 3 years also. And it has been tough between the two of us we have 4 children. My husband works all the time sometimes 7 days a week. And if he’s not working he is with his brother or nephew and there is always alcohol in the picture drunken falling over himself drunk. It’s embarrassing if we have the money he drinks every night. It gets old but what am I to do.

      Reply
  8. Diana

    I have been married 35 years my husband chose a second job over his family. There was more importance to him to help strangers than his own marriage. I left approx 10 years ago and tried to get him to understand at that time he said he did but did not change anything he found a girlfriend and denied that. I was blamed accused and continue carrying guilt for being accused of having an affair which didn’t exist. He wanted space to get over his affair which was given and we got back together only for me to leave again because he cannot understand all I ever wanted was his time. He had not touched me physically in 8 years. I have explained this to him and he treats me like a piece of trash he has taken all the love, trust and dignity I have and thrown them away.

    Reply
  9. Jessica

    thank you all, I am currently going through a break up , leaving a domestic violence relationship. needing all the words to help give me the strength to help me through this time

    Reply
    1. Christina

      I don’t know if I am qualified to say anything but I grew up in that lifestyle my mother made excuses went back to him multiple times.She had kids with him he abused her even when she was pregnant. What I am trying to say is stick to your guns my mom after 14 yrs of marriage finally left and it was the best choice ever for her and us. I wish you the best with this choice . Always do what is right for you no matter how hard it is.

      Reply
    2. Gary Hughes

      Hi Jessica
      I have been reading through all the comments on this article and thread. I just felt I wanted to ask if things are better in your life now since your difficult situation a couple years ago ? I really hope you are in a happier place.

      Reply
  10. wylie91

    Coming from the view of the person that was left. My beautiful girlfriend of 5 yrs just bought a home everything was falling in place, but I was living two lives I had been doing meth for the entire time together just on the last year I could not hold a job the drug was controlling my life n I had spent every free min I had on getting high. I was married prior to this relationship n we both cheated n lied to each other n I swore I will never do that again n I didn’t I loved this girl w all my heart. So we bought our home n the past 7 months I stayed in garage high she asked all the time watch TV,movie,hangout, you name it I look back n realize everything I did wrong. I n I could not fix it because when done your done that’s when sorrys n I’ll fix it or never let it happen again are to late. Yes I miss her. N still love her but its the past but still a good memory she’s my best friend I havnt spoke to her in 2: Mon nothing not even a fuck you……witch I don’t deserv e. All I am saying stop if you are still together n want the person u met back then get off here n get it back the person u fell in love w back……… I know right now what I have to do in the future. I cried when I read that I was like every thing I question my self when we spli . if u read this I love you n I’m so sorry I gave up. I let my best friend go bye baby love

    Reply
  11. DM Brough

    “But getting too fixated on any of those causes makes you rigid and closed to possibilities that might be just around the corner.” This advice seems appropriate and comforting to those in short term relationships. But imagine being in a marriage for 40 years and being dumped for someone ‘who gives better blowjobs’ when you are 62 years old. The possibilities around that corner are slim and none when you live in a very small town and everyone knows your business. My heart is shattered… not broken. This advise is nice for you young folks… it makes sense… but not for us seniors.

    Reply
    1. Anna

      I so feel your pain. We were married 18 years when I found out he had been hooking up with someone he knew from high school that he reconnected with on Facebook. I quit my job when my oldest was born 18 years ago and had two more children with him. I chose to stay home to raise our kids which I did practically on my own because he was always out of town for work. We struggled financially and according to him it was all my fault. The new girlfriend has a job and no kids so she is all good times and no stress. I wanted a real connection when we were physical but she sent him porn sites and pictures of herself (knowing full well he was a married man with 3 children). So again, she is all fun and I’m a “complaining” buzzkill. I am, like you, shattered. I loved this man and was a loyal wife. I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with him. But I guess I wasn’t good enough

      Reply
      1. Savanah

        Anna, I am so sorry.

        You are good enough, never doubt yourself again.

        So me being the “other” woman with a man for 10 of his 20 years married and reading this I feel awful. The man I was with left his wife finally. I expected we would be together. He sent me a text to end things with me because he met someone else and was in love.

        The pain I feel from losing him is like no pain I have ever felt, we were in love, that I don’t doubt.

        I also don’t doubt he loved his wife, they just had drifted apart and we’re different people than they were 20 years ago. He did love her for sure, as I am sure your husband does love you.

        I have a question for you. After all this and how the chips fell a decade later I feel terrible guilt and sorrow for his wife, who doesn’t know me at all.

        Should I make contact with her to apologize for my wrongdoings? Would that help her at all or only make it worse?

        I need to find closure somehow and I feel I owe this woman the most humble and heartfelt apology, bUT I don’t want to do the wrong thing again, as I feel like a swine that doesn’t deserve any happiness as I am sure she also is in terrible pain. She didn’t want him to go.

        I am so sorry to any woman that has been treated badly by their man, especially when they literally have 2 lives like in my situation. I wish I could do something to redeem my behavior.

        What do you think?

        Reply
        1. Pam

          It’s been awhile since you posted this but I can relate. I was always against cheaters and never thought I’d be one especially since I knew the pain it caused me when my husband did it in the early years of our marriage. I took him back but lost respect for him but was generally a happy family person. Then I got to be good friends with a co worker whose life paralleled mine. I was naive and had no intentions of anything other than a friendship. Looking back I see how he relentlessly pursued me; to the point of pretending to be interested in a house I was selling. We talked about our problems and he became my best friend. We ended up crossing the line after the power went out at work and they sent us home early and I accepted his offer to go see his commercial property he had for sale. The next 9 months were euforic for both of us. We had a strong friendship
          and romantic love. We are both married but in loveless marriages for the sake of our kids. It was an obsession and he consumed most of my time. Texting constantly every day and meeting when we could. He began to support me financially as well. We
          both agreed that we couldn’t leave our spouses but might be able to one day in the distant future. I was concerned that we’d get caught but the connection was too strong. His wife read our texts one night and he said we needed to cool off for awhile. I started feeling guilty and ended it with him completely. He was very hurt and said he thought it was beautiful what we had and even if we couldn’t be together; we would still be motivated by our love but still wanted to continue the affair. I was an emotional wreck and decided I couldn’t do it anymore. He suggested we just continue to be best friends and emotionally supportive to each other without the sex. I couldn’t do it because it hurt so much so now it’s been 3 months and I no longer cry constantly but I think of him daily and cry for him a lot. I try to stay busy but there are constant reminders of him everywhere I go.
          I have never felt so connected to someone in my life. I miss my friend and wish him happiness and the best in life. I was laid off from my job so I’m emotional about that too but at least I don’t have to see him anymore because I know I wouldn’t be able to resist. I keep telling myself it wasn’t real but I know he was the love of my life even if it was only in our minds. I don’t want to hurt like this and feel like it’s karma. My suggestion to you Savanah is to not tell his ex wife if you haven’t already did it. There’s nothing good that can come from it except maybe releasing the guilt you feel but why should she have to suffer anymore than she already has. It’s not right what he did to you but that’s no excuse for you to cause her to feel worse. We both agreed that we’d never tell the others spouse no matter what. Even though she found out, I’m sure he played it off that I was a crazy girl stalking him or something. They are still together and I am still with my husband although not happily. I try to tell myself that I deserve better than a cheater who will never leave his wife. I’m ashamed to admit that I would have left everything to be with him but in the end I had to try to do the right thing for everyone including myself. I hope we both will heal from this Savanah. You too deserve so much better.

          Reply
    2. Dana

      DM Brough,

      I’m sorry to hear this has happened to you. We all deserve to be treated with respect and love. People lose their way and act out. I hope you are finding some peace today. Much love to you dear one.

      Reply
  12. shawn

    When I choose to leave my husband because I felt like I was falling into the pattern of how I was raised. Dad drinking all the time, coming home at all hours, verbally abusive, parents arguing constantly. This was NOT the relationship that I wanted my young daughter to grow up in. My husband was constantly saying he loved me and wanted to stop drinking but couldn’t follow thru for very long. Our marriage was passionate on all levels. I know we both loved each other completely, but the drinking and mood change when he drank was to much. I left multiple times, got back together and eventually got divorced. It was THE HARDEST, MOST SOUL BRAKING thing I have ever done. For yrs I really whole heartedly believed he would grow up and decided he would make us his first priority. Eventually he remarried a woman that loved to party also. 20 yrs later I still believe that we could have made things work! How crazy is that? I have remarried also, but part of me still mourns the loss. Can you ever really get over the loss of your soul mate?

    Reply
  13. Linda

    I am the one who left after 17 years. The first 10 were womderful and the last 7 were a living hell. There I was, an intelligent, talented and active woman, sittimg at home alone while my husband was out with the boys, at his club or watching sports. The funny thing is that despite years of telling him the three things I needed from him (all having to do with him being present in our life) he really believed that he could placate me, without any intention of doing anything and I would be satisfied. We were living seperate lives. Heck, he didn’t notice when I moved into the guest room. Finally, he said the unforgiveable about a mistake I had made years ago ( no, not infidelity) which he held over my head from time to time….. it was the final injury. Let’s just say it came down to couples counseling or parting. It was already too late. I could not trust him to make a serious committment to us. Besides the entire therapy became one sided where I had to sit and listen to my character being disparaged without an opportunity to address the real problem of being neglected. It has been 3 1/2 years and I still mourn what could have been, still wonder if there was something I could have done and still feel hurt and angry that I meant so little to him. How could someone who professes that they love a person be so disrespectful to them. To him I was invisable and not worth worrying about. What are the 5 easy steps for me to heal?

    Reply
  14. brina

    Thank you. I am still trying to recover from my breakup. Its been almost 2 years since I made the decision it end what I had hoped to be a life, marriage, and future. It still tears me up even writing this but in some way it feels good to get it out. I loved him I stil do but, he was not present mentally, emotionally, physically, and he still isnt. I gave up everything for him because I wanted him and knew what I felt to be true. Well 9 years and 2 kids later. Im now 35, living with my parents , my kids have had their lives turnt upside down not including the devastating end to mommy and daddy. I tried for years, crying, arguing, fighting for us wanting an us. But he just couldnt do it. Finally I did it. I left I , cheated, I lied, but the worst part of it. He never noticed. Never even suspected it. Now that’s sad. I left him because at that point lifes to short and I had nothing in me left to give him since he couldnt give me what I wanted, which was simply just him his mind, heart, all of him. So now im offically a single mother, with nothing but my kids. And im trying to let go and forgive myself and him.i dont know what to do, i feel lost , sad, defeated, and so confused. But for about the last 5 years of our relationship I too had a plan B. Which was to finish school and get a job and get out of that relationship, but I would never actually do it. We were a family and I wanted to wait for my kids to grow up and be on their own. Then it would have been easier to leave.now we hardly see him he is a mess and doing what he does best, himself. I guess its better for him.

    Reply
  15. Like Silva

    I just read all three of those articles and could relate very well to them. Hopefully, this might give a voice to some men that have also read it. I dated a beautiful girl in college, and after, for 5 years. I loved her very much and worked hard at the relationship, but we started running into the day-to-day struggle. I have always been more outgoing and would express my love for her than she would for me. Not a bad thing, just different personalities. She had some health problems and some self steem issues, and I tried to help her and be supportive the best I knew how to. In her bad days she would pick a fight for no reason, get really heated an say hurtful things. She would complain about the dates that I planned for us, and said that everything was boring. Often she would always accuse me of being unfaithful, but I never was. All of that broke down… I just saw her as an ungrateful person that would never be happy. I got to a point where I realized that if I continued to try my best, and get the same response it would much more hurtful for me because I loved her. Remember that it’s not acceptable for men to crave for more attention, care, and romance… And I felt like a wuss every time I tried talking to her about it… She would say “it’s your the girl in the relationship”, so I stopped trying. Stopped planning dates, stopped giving undivided attention, stopped making her the center of my life. She noticed it and, once again, complained and nagged about it. But I was too tired to try anything new. I didn’t want want to break up because I still saw her as a good person, and I still loved her. So, we stayed together for another hurtful year. Eventually, we had a big argument she said to me all the things that I was doing wrong, and being absent and all… And didn’t really saw it that way. So, I took it personal. I asked her to leave and she did.
    After a few weeks, I tried getting back together with her, gave her gifts, wrote letters, and apologized because I was beginning to see her side too, but it was too late. Two weeks after she moved she started dating someone new.
    I was devastated. Worst moment of my life… By far!! Would cry all day long. Eventually things got better… And better… And better. And that’s when I ran into her at the mall. We was feeling very awkward, but I treated her nice. We talked and had dinner. She was single again because the other guy she dated cheated on her, and we both apologized for things we had done. She told me that she was moving away, and I told her that I continued to love her deeply. I told her that I wasn’t going to ask her take me back because too much had happened and I didn’t feel like I could do it again, but I still thought about her everyday and I wished her the best.
    I don’t know if she was in shock or just thought “what a loser”, but she didn’t say anything. Just getting that off my chest made me feel 1000% better, even though she never said anything. I was able to move on. We are still friends on Facebook and she sends messages every once in a while… I reply, but I don’t initiate any contact because I don’t want to give room to any old feelings to come back.
    I still love her, may be I’ll always love her, but I begin to see a light a the end of the tunnel… I can finally see my self starting to date again. I don’t hold grudges, I forgive her and I wish she has forgiven me. I believe that’s what helped me the most… Putting effort into forgiving. Otherwise, I would become one of those men that say things like “women are all the same” “I only trust my mother” and I wouldn’t be able to live with those perspectives of life.

    Reply
  16. Dave N

    I had the one person that I chose to share my life with me walk out the door. I came back from vacation to an empty house. She has always taken vacation with me in the past so I should have known something was up. But I never thought that I could lose her like that. Of course we had our issues, what couple, after 24 years haven’t, but I never thought that this could happen and I am devastated. I never thought that at 59 years old I would be facing the future alone. Looking forward, I am scared and searching for answers, I hope the pain will ease and I am reaching out to many resources to try to accomplish that or at least help me understand. From what I have read here, counseling is a risky proposition. But I will put one foot in front of the other every morning and try hard to smile.

    Thanks for listening

    Reply
  17. mary

    I am young. My boyfriend is currently 5 years older than me. We have a beautiful child together. I’m not sure if I’m the problem or is he. If he gets anger, I have the need to fix it and make him better, happy. But when I do that he becomes angry. .. I guess I did it one too many times and I’m almost sure he’s ready to leave. He won’t make eye contact or talk to me. He said he wants to leave but i begged him not too. I’m afraid of losing him. And I don’t know how I’ll react When he does go. I love this man with all of me. To sleep alone….it’s unthinkable. ..please help..

    Reply
  18. Kath feathers

    I have been with my partner for almost 6 years. I have a daughter who is 9. My partner has been a dad to her and she worships him. We are from different backrounds and he is religious where as i am not sure if i believe and he always has accepted it. We have had problems in the past. But over come them. He moved to north wales 4 years ago and me and my girl have communited every weekend for nearly 4 years. We decided that in January this year wed move in with him. This was planned last year. I quit my job. Left my family and friends and home. I moved my daughter out school. Took her away from her friends and family. I give up everything for him.
    Yesterday he sent a message to say he wont be home. He wont be around me and its not working like he wants it. This has floored me. Luckily my daughter is visiting family for holidays and wasnt here. I tried to make sense of it and get to come home and talk and he refused. I know he was a coward to hide away instead of confronting me and no matter how much he knew i was hurting he refused. He didnt care. He brought up fights from the past 6 years and made me sound like an awful person. And the true reason is i had a view on religion which offended him the week before. Id never of gone out my way to hurt him. I have said sorry so many times to him. On Wednesday he took me on a date night. We were fine. Then yesterday he acted like this. His comments have been so hurtful and thepain im feeling is heart breaking. Also in alot of shock and if only hed come back so we can talk. Ive cried all night. Started smoking again and i feel uselss. Most of all i feel i have let my daughter down. She loved him as much as me. And i know have to up root her again. This pain is truly unbearable for me. And i have no idea how i am going to get past this chapter of my life. He was my one true love and believed to be my soul mate and i feel completely destroyed. And what is worse he is showing me no care no love or any nice emotion. My world fell apart last night. And i am completely devastated.

    Reply
  19. Meg

    Savannah are you still there??
    I just read your comment and burst out crying. You story is almost identical to mine! I couldn’t believe what I was reading.
    I also have no one to turn too. I feel even my closest friends would blame me for being in this situation. I am heartbroken and wonder if you have any advice for me or maybe I could possibly have advice for you. Just knowing I am not alone makes me feel a tiny bit better. Hope you are ok and getting better. My heart hurts for you 🙁

    Reply
  20. Ike

    What does it mean when your partner suddenly loses their feelings for you? Me and my girlfriend were together for quite some time and the more time I spent with her, the more I loved her, I always was there for her when she was upset, I constantly surprised her with flowers, gifts, etc. not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I loved her more than any other aspect of my life, we never argued, we had tons in common, but one day she just said her feelings for me died and broke up with me. There was no further explanation, I have felt empty inside for several months and my will to live is slowly fading, I want to get myself out there again, but all I can think about is her. Is there any purpose in continuing my life when I was living it for her?

    Reply
  21. William

    I’ve been with.my wife 17 yrs. 2 months ago she said she wanted a divorce . She’s been unhappy for 12 yrs . I’ve never cheated , or been abusive, she says I emotionally drained her over the years . I’ve seen what I have done pushing her away when she needed me. Not being affectionate like she neded. My way of showing her I loved her was buying her things. Letting her be a stay home mom because that’s what she wanted to do and it made her happy . I never realized what I was doing to her . Yes she would say things we would have are basic fights then make up and move on . She feels like I’ve kept her in a bubble all those years and she has missed out on so much because of me. I love my wife with all my heart. And I’ve been to Christian counselors, psychologist, and my preacher , to get answers that she said she needed from me why I did this to are marraige .and her anger that I’ve done maker her feel the way she dose , she says I’ve killed everything we had . The emotional intamacy is gone. And I’ve tried everything that you not supposed to do , begging , crying ,texting ,calling, I just need to some disconnect myself from her but it’s hard because I love her and I see her everyday because we still live together. Because she want to get everthing in order before we tell the kids about everything. It’d so hard. My wife always had christian values and said she disn’t believe in divorce unless there is adultery or physical abuse and nothing like that ever happen . I told her there’s no biblical reason for a divorce but then she says am not going to guit her . I don’t know am lost. I’ve read so much stuff .talk to so many people and still have no clue how to reach her before she dose something that can be undone please help if you can. Bill

    Reply
  22. Lostforeternitynowfml

    I was in a marriage for 10 years but before we were married we were together for 10 so that’s 20 years. We have 2 children. We were inseparable. As the years went on we slowly drifted apart and it was bad for the last five years of our marriage. We were more like roommates than lovers.
    Well, I realize I shut her out of my life and my kids also. I was tired of hearing her yell at the kids for little things that I could handle much better and I was tired of not having any kind of sex.
    There was this woman at work and she was unhappy in her marriage. We were friends for many years. One day we betrayed our spouses, our children and our friends because we loved each other and didn’t want to be without one another.
    Our spouses quickly became X. We just one day left them for our own selfish desires not realizing the full implications of that action on our children or ourselves.
    We moved away to a different state. We flew our kids out for the summer, enjoyed many great new experiences and fell deeper in love than I thought possible.
    After this last summer, she left me to be with her kiddo who is nearly an adult. She moved back claiming she loves me and wants to maybe come back to me in a couple years or maybe sooner.
    I told her i understand and let her go with no bitter feelings inside me.
    She left me with all of her belongings, no money, a vehicle to pay off and a broken, empty heart.
    She Skypes with me on rare occasions and will text me or call from time to time.
    Each time I see her i feel devastated because I long for her company but feel as empty as a drum.
    I try not to pull on her to come back which is incredibly difficult. I can’t go back where she is as I am trying to Start over where we landed and just started to normalize here. I am hurting in every possible way emotionally. How long till I get that answer where she tells me she will never be back? How long will I have to suffer reminders of her wherever I go? Why does it hurt so much to see her face? I wish I didn’t feel anything at all.

    Reply
  23. BrokenHearted

    My english is not so high,please forgive me for that………We r in relationship frm past 2 years,we both were very happy….but i dont know what happen suddenly………today she i leaving me,….i am asking her reason,but she is not telling me anything …..i ask her that have u any other boy in ur life? She says no.and i know it is true……she only luvs me,she loves me so much…She still luv me a lot…but i dont know why she is leaving me..she is not telling me any reason….she only telling me”I meet u in next birth”….but she is not telling me why she is leaving me In this birth……I am unable to stop her….Please Please anybody help me its a request,how I stop her from leaving my life.Please

    Reply
    1. Sofia

      Hi, my english is not good too n im sorry for that. I reply your comment, because I saw “next birth” words. Im here, with my eyes full of tears, trying to find something that can heal me from this pain. He has not leaving yet. but he get engaged to a girl that his mom wants. I know he loves me so much, we have been in love so much this past 10 years. But he can’t take a risk more, his mom get collapsed right after he told her sister about me and his mom knew it. She ended up with heart surgery. So he choose the way that i used to understand, he will marry the girl that her mom choose. 3 days ago he got engaged with that girl. He want to keep in touch with me. But I try to stop talk with him but i cant. And worst things is he is so honest, he tell me everything even he sent me her engagement picture when i ask. Im getting mad. Now i still keep arguing with him. I said many cruel words. I know it was my mistakes to keep going in this relationship when I knew where this is gonna end. I thought i can be strong for it, n just enjoyed our last time of being together. But eveeything is not the same as we expect to happen. Now Im feeling a very worst broken heart. I cant bear this pain alone. some months ago,,after we knew that our relationship will not end in a marriage he keeps telling me that we will be together in our “next birth”. If there is time called “next birth” who are we can choose our own destiny, how can our next birth will go as we want. For me, “next birth” is just how the way he is trying to make me calm. I actualy dont trust next birth. And all i know, now im a broken hearted girl who is seeking for the last healing, any healing that can helps me in positive or negative ways. I feel that im like zombie these days, only flesh n bones, no soul, heartless, brainless. I dont want to make him worry, but I cant stop talking bad things to him that my life has ruined n fucked up. Help me.

      Reply
  24. kealeboga

    i am a 20 year old women currently doing my third year, in my first year i met a guy he was 25 at the time and i was 18, i fell in love but three months down i found iut he was cheating on his baby mama with me. i stayed with him while he kept saying he’ll leave her for me, after a year he did leave her for me but now a year later i found out that he’s cheating on me too. i don’t know what to do i love him.

    Reply
  25. Faith

    This is so inspiring.
    I have no one to share my current situation with so I will just post it here.
    I am not married but I met a guy a month ago who swept me off my feet and made me fall for him so bad. I knew he was going to leave for another country around this time but I thought the one month remaining would be enough to get over him.
    Things got so serious on my side and now its just one week remaining and I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel depressed and unable to think straight coz I have feelings for the guy and its going to be hard to forget him even though I know its the right thing to do. I have a feeling he may never come back and the thought of it gets me really worried.
    He is leaving for 2 years..what should I do? HELP!

    Reply
  26. misha

    i hope everyone commented here has recovered from that excruciating agony. i know i am not alone, have experienced this before and am going through that hell again. we were in a very committed and satisfying relationship for 3 years, we didn’t live in the same place but used to see each other quite a lot. maybe it was because of those strict”social norms” that were ingrained in many of our friends or even the counselors of our world. he was 12 years my junior but this gap did not have anything to do with the sense of fulfillment we got from our relationship. it is easy for others to be stony rational making logical statements, but love had its own way…

    Reply
  27. Althea

    I want to share my situation.
    Me and my BF broken up 2 weeks ago. He is working outside the country. We have this 6 year old kid. Our situation is complicated and my family doesnt know about him because im still married and in process annulment. The annulment is ongoing with my previous husband. Our relation lasts for 13 years. We stablish dream, memories and future. I gave up everything. We are not leaving with the same house because of the complication on my annulment. Weeks after i found out that he already with this new relationship. He cheated on me. the relationship starts 6 months already. I feel down. I give up everything to him. We are okey for 13 years. He ended up our relationship via text message. Informing me that he is serious in this girl and he is madly inlove with this girl.
    I want a complete happy family. At first day of break up he told me how important we where in his life. Me and his kid. But days after, i send a multiple text. He replied that no more feelings on me.

    Reply
  28. Emmanuel

    My god. somehow I feel a strong sense of comfort in knowing that I’m not alone. Well here’s my story. Back in 2014 I started dating girl who have always had a crush on me for years but I never took any interest since we lived only a few houses away and I knew her father. But a friend of mine persuaded me to at least consider meeting the girl and so I did because she was different and so I thought. Then few months down the line when we fell in love. she lied on many occasions about her past and I forgave her because I understood that nobody dumps all of their mistakes from their past on a potential mate so we moved past it. even though it was hard because she was friends with her ex and she knew that didn’t put my mind at ease so we both made a deal to cut off contact with our exes and so we both did. her dad found out about us and he chased her out and she moved to howick with her mom. A year later she was pregnant and we were so in love and it was hard because I was doing my 3rd year at varsity so I decided that the following year I would take a break from studying take care of her and the kid. And so I did(worst mistake I ever made)… Well she had complications while giving birth and we lost the baby; hardest time of our lives but we stood by each other. a few months later things started to change. I suspected she cheated with her ex but I had no way of knowing since her ex also lived in howick . and I let it go because I had no way of proving it. and she was there for me when I lost my brother.And last year she moved back to her dads house and that’s when things changed. I would beg for her time; attention and she promised to change but stayed the same. I was unemployed and stayed at home most of the time but it was like our lives switched as I was out of school and she had just registers in college. same school that her ex attends BT we talked and she reassured me that nothin would happen so i tried to deal with those insecurities. On may we had an argument when she was at my house and she just upped and left and i was tired of always being the one to fix things so I didn’t and she ignored me. after a week I called her and we met and she told me she wasn’t sure so we broke up and I was hurt. so few days later I cajjed and she mistakenly called me by her ex’s name and that’s when I knew they were back together. Worst part is when she laughed at me and told me she was teaching me a lesson. 3moths have gone by since the breakup and so much has happened. I’m trying to heal, the pain is still there but I’m a lot better than I was a few months ago. I tried to date recently but I realised I still needed to heal. I’m sorry for this long post. to everyone who’s hurting out there please know that you are not alone and I gets better.

    Reply
  29. jim

    Does anyone have a happy ending for me to read? My two year relationship ended in march with a gal I loved and had a ring on her finger. Its been about six months now and all I’ve done is stay busy morn and try to find meaning to my life again. It still feels like it just happened last month. Sometimes i have dreams of us together and i wake up to reality and feel like I’m suffocating. I loved her so much but i got complacent last year. She needed me to be her man everyday but I slacked off..
    We were so close.. She was sick last fall and was near passing out from dehydration while she was going diareha on the toilet. I was there for her. I cared for her. We did everything and went everywhere together. I can see her do her little cute feet shuffle across the dinning room floor teasing me to chase her like we playfully did. I can see it in my mind as clear as if its happening right now.. I remember all her cute expressions, her smell, her voice.. I still find her blond hairs in my pickup or in my house.. My eyes tear up just typing this.. I about collapse to my knees when i get mail adressed to her. I see her name and fear and anxiety hits me. I’m so lost without her. She was my best friend. I have to stay in my house where so many memories took place. I feel trapped in my mind. I cant break free. I loved those memories!!! How can you want to forget something so great!? HOW!!!?? How can this be normal!? Stuff like this to me doesnt seem like its supposed to have an ending! How can a person move on from what I waited my whole life for!? I thought it was it! I thought she was it!!! She fit me like a key in a lock!!! What do I do now!? I dont want to live this life anymore! How could I ever trust another woman that they wouldnt leave me!? They always change! They wont adjust to the change in the relationship and make it work.. It always changes but why cant they continue to love the person as change comes!? Life never stays the same. Why cant they atleast keep the same person?! Things get rough and they just leave!!! What the hell!? Can anyone help me!?

    Reply
  30. Tania

    Currently scouring the net for anything I can read that will ease the pain of losing the one I love. I stumbled upon this and somehow reading the stories of others who have gone through life shattering breakups makes me feel less alone. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since the father of my child kicked me out of his house after we had spent the previous week arguing about his friend who had moved in months prior. Originally he asked me if it was okay that his friend move in and said if it wasn’t working out he’d let him know. They spent the majority of the time getting drunk every night while I stayed in the house with our son taking care of our parental duties. We never had any time to ourselves as a couple anymore. It was expected that I feed his friend while he did nothing to contribute to the household. He kept losing his jobs every few weeks so he wasn’t contributing financially either. I started to feel like he was taking advantage of the situation and mooching with no end in sight. He would get drunk and be belligerent toward me and I had enough. After fighting for a week about the situation my partner kicked me out. I feel humiliated and devastated. I’ve asked him multiple times to work this out with me but he is choosing his friend over our family. I know I deserve better, and we are not without hardships in the past, but I truly feel we can have a happy family together. Not seeing my son when he’s at his father’s house is tearing me up inside. I feel so broken and devastated that he’d throw our relationship away over this. I started taking antidepressants over this and anyone who knows me knows how adamant I am against pharmaceutical medication. I have to be strong and focused right now in order to better my life but this has taken so much energy from me it’s hard to keep up with the requirements necessary to enter an apprenticeship program I’ve been planning to join for the past few months. I just don’t understand how this could be. I’ve done everything I felt I should to make a good life for us. Completely broken.

    Reply
  31. Hannah

    Hey guys so my story is that I was with the love of my life for 5 years and we were engaged. The relationship ended last July. He got married this year in July. I really feel like it was a huge mistake. I know he was the one. I don’t want to move on. There’s no other future for me but him. I just know it.

    Reply
  32. Mike

    wife leaves me after 27 year old marriage ……
    Hello everyone and came across this website like all you good people on here. well last friday whilst i was at work i logged into my private email account to find an email from our car insurance company with the heading CHANGE OF DETAILS i opened the link to find my wifes car insurance had been changed with a new address. This made me feel physically sick and so so nervous, but in another way relief as there had been lots of unusual things that had been happeneing of late and now all this became the answer that i was dreading.

    My wife and i had ben married for 27 years – and had know each other since the age of 18, we did everything together, however i was the organiser of what we did and use to plan and arrange most things we did, this is one of the reasons my dear wife says was at fault as i would go ahead and do things buy things and not include her…… my only thing i cannot understand is why she didnt tell me when she felt she didnt want to be with me anymore and kick me up the bum to which i would have realised.

    my wife is so beautiful glam and sexy and everyone use to take a second look at her when she walked down the road…. i was and still am very proud of her. she lost her job 5 years ago and i managed to get her into a local firm where we live – the reason why i am telling you this is she has left me for another man who works with her! ironic!

    apparently she has been seing this guy for over 14 months – and over the past few months deceided to get a flat together and on friday just gone was the day she cleared her cupboards out completely, moved out during her lunch break for me to walk in and find her waiting to tell me she was going . she says she loves him and is happier with him than me. i cant ask for anymore than that to someone who i love so much i dont want her sad and if it means she finds happiness with another person i have to accept this.

    we do have 2 daughters 25 and 21 years old, my youngest still lives with me and is very angry and will not speak to my wife but i am sure this will change when she is ready.

    myself – i am very lost – no idea where my life is going to lead, i dont want to be lonely as am a very compassionate and senisitive man – yes i have currently had some dark dark thoughts and am due to see the doctor today.

    reading this site has a little reassurance knowing other people are going through similar any comments would help me xx

    Reply
  33. Andy

    Hi all, My wife has just left me after 11 years we have traveled the world and had a great time. I am devastated as to why this has happend.I have not been given a reason and am struggling to cope with life.
    Any help please in getting through this

    Reply
  34. Devastated.

    The love of my life and father too our 1yr old daughter left me about a month ago after only 3 years. I am absolutely devastated.
    There has been nothing to major go on between us for this to happen I feel we have just gotten lazy and spend too much time on our pho es I stead of connecting with each other. Yes we have our fights and arguments (what couple doesn’t?) but nothing that could not be reconcilled. He says he is no longer In Love with me because of our fighting. I feel that with some councilling we could come back from this. He has said that “it shouldn’t be this hard” and has moved back to his parents place. Since he left he has been nothing but mean and hostile towards me. (I don’t even know why he’s the one who made the decision to leave)
    He has never been the best communicator when it comes to the difficult stuff, despite me always asking him if he was OK.
    I feel so lost without him and it kills me everyday because I see him at work. I honestly don’t know what to do. He is not acting like the man I love ATM. I love him so much and would do anything to make it work.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *