Justice Schanfarber Counselling

I serve clients worldwide

Request an info package by email – Please include which country you are writing from.
Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com

I help individuals and couples create more enjoyment and satisfaction in their relationships and beyond.

Fifteen years working with all kinds of people from all over the world informs my work.

“The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  ~ Anais Nin

I put this quote from Anais Nin on my website a decade ago, and there it has remained. The quote speaks to the motivational quality of pain. Emotional pain is what motivates people to seek help and to make a change.

The pain of “remaining tight in a bud” points us toward our “blossoming”. The two go hand in hand. Pain points us toward who we are becoming by reminding us that we can not remain who we have been, but must continue our unfolding, becoming, “blossoming”.

Pain is clarifying because of the contrast it provides, and so it is valuable, but people have a tendency to spend far too much time in the painful experience rather than receiving the message that it gives and moving beyond it.

Here’s the key thing to understand: Once the pain gets strong enough for you to notice, it has fulfilled its purpose. It is now time to pivot from the pain of what you do not want to the satisfaction of moving toward what you do want.

This pivot is crucial, and it’s primarily what I help you with.

Intellectually or conceptually this pivot makes sense to most people, and yet it can be difficult to achieve at the practical level. There are many good reasons for this, reasons that I have developed a good understanding of, and want to share with you, if you are ready.

I have a variety of tools and processes to help you pivot from the pain that is getting your attention to the relief and the satisfaction that you are wanting.

If you decide to work with me, we will have a series of illuminating conversations to help you better understand where you are stuck, and where you are ready to move forward. Everyone is a little different in their particular state of readiness, but wherever you are on your journey, if these words feel resonant to you I can probably help you get to the next step.

I’ve built a worldwide reputation for helping couples with my unique approach to marriage counselling, but I increasingly work with individuals as well. In fact, I’ve long stated that couples work is individual work that you do in front of your partner.

The Re-connection handbook for couples - by Justice Schanfarber - web box2

Couples Therapy and Marriage Counselling

Pivoting from orienting around the pain of what you don’t want toward the clarity and satisfaction of what you do want is fundamentally individual, personal work. Couples often get tangled up in trying to negotiate this journey rather than focus on their individual paths.

In other words, there’s a tendency to try and make it a “we” thing when it’s really a “me” thing (or two “me” things, connected).

I’ve helped so many couples through this process that I’ve identified two distinct stages or modes of couples work. The first I call “Partner Negotiation”.

The Partner Negotiation Stage

The Partner Negotiation approach rests on the premise that two people need to negotiate agreements in order to try and get both partners’ needs met and keep a relationship running smoothly. The emphasis is on reaching consensus and understanding, and on emotional empathy and co-regulation.

This approach to relationships is where most people begin, and where most therapy focuses. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, and it is the basis of the overwhelming majority of contemporary couples counselling.

The Partner Negotiation mode does have its limits, and when you find yourself frustrated with this approach you might be ready for the next stage.

The Self-Satisfaction Stage

In the previous Partner Negotiation approach, you are dependent upon agreement, resolution, and understanding between two people in order to move forward, hence the common experience of feeling “stuck”.

By contrast, this second stage focuses on your own ability to turn inward and cultivate preferred emotional states for yourself regardless of your partner’s opinions or perspectives.

Paradoxically, this always improves or clarifies a relationship, though sometimes the clarity is that a relationship has come to its natural conclusion.

I call this the “Self-Satisfaction” approach. I steer people toward it, and most of the client work I do is now in this category.

Unwanted Patterns and Limiting Beliefs

As I help a client develop their own ability for Self-Satisfaction, they usually bump into some obstacles in the form of unwanted patterns of thought and feeling, or what we sometimes call “beliefs” (which are really just habits of thought and feeling).

The reflexive impulse might then be to delve into “unpacking” or “processing” these unwanted patterns of thought and feeling, or trying to understand them in the context of personal or family history.

This is optional, but I don’t generally encourage going too far with it. Instead, I will try to gently redirect you forward, toward feeling Self-Satisfaction and positive emotion in the present moment.

I do this by helping you access your three internal operating systems – Sensation (body), Emotion (heart), and Cognition (head), and getting them operating smoothly, in harmony with one another.

I have developed simple and effective methods for helping you learn to do this, and I’ve taught these methods to many clients over the years.

If what you are reading here is sounding good to you, you might want to read more about my counselling philosophy and approach here or email me here to request an info package.

Read more about my approach here.

Request an info package by email – Please include which country you are writing from.

Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com

Confidentiality assured.

“Justice really is an expert and can pin point issues almost immediately. I was ready to leave my husband, feeling angry, bitter and ready for change even at the cost of giving up the family. Talking with Justice gave me clarity to see my situation for what it was; to explore my own private emotions more thoroughly and to explore the beauty of relationship with another. He gives excellent tools and ideas to help manage difficult situations that undoubtedly arise in a marriage. ” ~ Kelsie Wilber, USA

“We’ve seen five local counsellors in the past five years. I’d given up on ever being understood or loved the way I need. I was skeptical about working on the phone, but we learned more about ourselves and made more progress in our first three sessions with you than with all the previous counsellors combined. I know there are no guarantees, but it feels good to have hope again. I’m optimistic about my marriage for the first time in years.” ~ JM, Canada

“My partner and I have both grown in amazing ways over this past 6 months, and we find ourselves coming out of this growth stage still deeply attracted to the things that attracted us to one another 5 years ago. I have learned that as challenging as growth may be, it can be seen as a great gift. I could not have done this without your counseling and guidance. I am deeply grateful.” ~ Mark, USA

“The most powerful part of working with Justice is how he is right there in the trenches with you, really feeling through it with you, literally. I felt as though he was gently holding my heart in his hands, feeling everything I felt. Also, I found working over the phone to be surprisingly advantageous. I was able to maintain the physical privacy and comfort of working from my own home.” ~ Monica, USA

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