Resolve Relationship Difficulties and Grow Together
Healthy and satisfying relationships don’t just happen, and they’re not a product of luck.
Smart, happy, successful people learn how to give each other, and themselves, the kind of attention that helps a relationship or marriage thrive.
Even with good intentions, many couples have a hard time talking with each other about their relationship. Defensiveness, accusations, and old “triggers” get activated, leaving you feeling worse rather than better.
Over time, this creates a feedback loop that takes you even further from the resolution and connection you want. Ideally you catch it early, but often these patterns intensify over years.
I’ve facilitated thousands of conversations between couples, and I provide the structure, perspective, and tools for turning difficult conversations into satisfying ones.
I’m different
A twenty year career has taught me something about relationships, and I work differently from other professionals in my field.
The difference: I prioritize the personal clarity, emotional development, and self-empowerment of the two individuals in a relationship more than the relationship itself.
Experience has shown me that when two people in relationship are each embodying their own clarity about what they want, and feeling empowered to express themselves authentically, a stagnant or stuck relationship can evolve forward into its next stage of growth.
This growth of the relationship is not the result of a compromise or agreement between partners. It’s a natural outcome of the respect and admiration that comes from deciding to put your growth and well-being first, and seeing your partner do the same.
It’s a raising of the bar, a kind of leveling up that can not be negotiated between two people. It is always unilaterally initiated by one person in the relationship, and it is often resisted by the other.
Growth in a relationship is almost always precipitated by friction or conflict. The reflexive response, logical in a way, and encouraged by most counselors and therapists, is to look for ways to relieve the friction and resolve the conflict.
But the friction and the conflict are signs of growth wanting to happen, and if you don’t recognize this, if you don’t support the growth trying to happen, you skip over one of the most profound gifts that relationships offer.
Learn about the three stages of relationship, including the Disillusionment Stage (that’s when people seek help), in the description of my R3 Relationship Masterclass.
Better yet, listen to the free sample. I promise it will be time well spent, and it will give you a good sense of my relationship philosophy and how I work.
Emotional enmeshment: Disentangling the knots
People in relationship distress tend to find themselves emotionally entangled with each other and unable to hold their own center. This is often true even if this entanglement is outwardly expressed as distancing or avoidance.
I help each person disentangle themselves from the knots of emotional enmeshment with the other, find their own solid center and grounding, bring this forward, and see what is now possible (and wanted) in the relationship.
This is courageous personal growth work that you do in front of your partner, with the relationship serving as both the catalyst for your growth, and the visible result.
Relationships can provide the contrast and friction needed to spark a desire for more satisfaction, connection, joy, and excitement in life. That spark of desire is a good thing; it motivates you on your journey. But it can also feel discouraging if you’re unsure about what it means or how to proceed.
Background: A developmental approach
My forward-focused developmental approach to couples work has roots in the family systems theory pioneered by Murray Bowen, David Schnarch‘s Crucible Therapy, and the contributions of thought-leaders like Esther Perel, Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson.
Extensive practical experience working with client couples has helped me build on the work of those who have come before, and inspired me to keep creating and refining methods for supporting the emotional differentiation and personal development of individuals within a relationship.
For some, this “self-centered” approach provides a welcome relief from the prolonged partner negotiation and the preoccupation with attachment and trauma popular in couples work today.
Emotional agency, a solid sense of self
The majority of couples therapy and marriage counseling is attachment-based and assumes that a relationship is where two people negotiate with each other to get their emotional needs met. This can re-affirm emotional enmeshment and dependency.
By contrast, I help my clients discover their emotional agency and develop a more solid sense of self, resulting in a relationship oriented around wants rather than needs.
“Need” is, after all, the language of survival, while wanting, knowing what you want, and feeling good about moving toward what you want, is synonymous with thriving.
I help people move past a needs-based relationship paradigm marked by struggle and uncertainty, and toward desire-based relationships (aka knowing what you want, feeling good about wanting, giving yourself what you want etc) that feel empowering and exhilarating.
Work with Me
I work with couples and individuals worldwide. Initially this is a series of four weekly sessions. Email me to request a client information package with details and current pricing. Please include your country of residence in your email.
Books and courses
My popular book from 2015, The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples, is a great way to get started, and you can download a free sample chapter here.
My R3 Relationship Masterclass is also a wonderful resource, offering perspectives and tools that you are unlikely to find elsewhere. Listen to a free sample here.