The Re-Connection Handbook For Couples – by Justice Schanfarber

For everyone who longs to re-connect with their significant other… for the “early disillusionment” stages of relationship right through to “last hope.”

Download a free sample chapter or purchase your full digital copy now.

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Buy the book now (digital download – pdf – approximately 97 pages)
$25 USD.

BUy now button

You’ll be taken to a secure PayPal checkout page to pay, and then immediately re-directed to the download page to get your book.
I’ll also email you a link to the download page once I am notified of your payment.
If you have any trouble you can email or call me directly.
phone 778 996-3821

Want to read a sample?
Download the first 10 pages free –

Click here now to download the 10-page sample (one-click pdf download).

Jodi Mann“The approach to anxiety is helping me in so many ways, and not just with my husband – with the kids too, or when I can’t sleep. The way you’ve explained it totally clicked for me. To say this is the book I need right now is an understatement.” ~ Jodi Mann, Restaurateur and full time mom
Daniel Clement “In The Re-connection Handbook, Justice Schanfarber avoids the cliche prescriptive advice so often found in a ‘self-help’ work. His ability to reflect on the complexities of human nature rather than affixing blame is particularly valuable. Relationship advice is a well-traveled road, but Justice is able to point out some of the more subtle landscape that just might make the difference between falling asleep at the wheel and staying engaged in the journey.” ~ Daniel Clement, Director – Open Source Yoga
Angela Inglis“I’ve read many books and explored various techniques to try to achieve a deeper connection with my partner. This is the most practical, straightforward and useful book I’ve come across on how to create a healthier, more vital relationship right now.” ~ Angela Inglis, Musician/Recording Artist
“The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples by Justice Schanfarber is a life Lee Davysaver. I have read every relationship book you can think of from John Gray to John Gottman, but none of them have managed to get inside my guts like Justice did. I would hate to have dinner with the guy, he would see straight through my facade. He knew all of my tricks, from gaslighting, to the nasty work of my shadow, to the Holy Grail-like quest for orgasm. I would climb over fifty naked ladies to get to this book. It is that good. This book will save your marriage, or provide you with the respect to step aside and let your partner go. Either way, you will see relationships from an entirely different viewpoint after you have read this short, sharp, sweet piece of loving. The best book I have read in years, hands down.” ~ Lee Davy, The Alcohol & Addiction Podcast
Judith Ansara Robert Gass“Justice offers great tips and insights presented in an accessible, reader friendly style. The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples is rooted in his compassion for the challenges couples face, which helps readers feel less isolated and more hopeful about their situation. He normalizes the aspects of relationship that are often perceived as problems, and helps show us how to understand and work with them as pathways to deeper intimacy and transformation both for the individuals and for the relationship itself. A very worthwhile read!” ~ Judith Ansara and Robert Gass, 

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Join me on a deeper path… Beyond generic solutions, “date night” advice, and communication basics.

At 97 pages it’s a quick read, and feedback has been overwhelmingly positive.

Here’s a brief look at what we cover in the book –

Contradiction and paradox

How we handle contradiction in our lives helps define who we are as lover, partner, spouse.

Contradiction asks much of us. On the one hand, there might be an opportunity to create greater congruence in your life by confronting the contradictions embodied in your own speech and actions. On the other hand, it takes great capacity to hold opposing points of view and disparate experiences without rejecting one or the other or both. I call this “holding opposites.”

The possibility for re-connection in our marriage or relationship is related to how we handle the contradictions we inevitably encounter; how we hold opposites. Our ability to tolerate, and as we’ll see, transform, our experience of contradiction into something more powerful requires a certain kind of personal capacity.

Navigating our partner’s dilemmas

There’s value in letting our partner wrestle with their own dilemmas without us weighing in or trying to rescue them. It’s important to recognize when our interference is motivated by our own discomfort and anxiety.

Anxiety and nervous system arousal

Underneath all our words and our conscious intentions, our primary relationship follows the twists and turns of two highly attuned nervous systems. Your nervous system and your partner’s nervous system are in constant, silent communication.

Beneath the radar of awareness, these two parts of self are setting the mood, raising the stakes, making peace, or waging war. This is happening under the surface of normal consciousness, despite whatever agreements you might be making and whatever “communication tools” you might be employing.


There are two types of boundaries, internal and external.

External boundaries are our bottom line, our non-negotiable points. Good external boundaries are clear and easy to understand. They set expectations about how we are to be treated, and what the result from a particular transgression or behaviour will be. When we say someone has “good boundaries” we usually are talking about these external boundaries. We tend to associate “good boundaries” with self esteem and respect.

Internal boundaries are different, and rooted in an awareness of the distinction between your emotional experience and the emotional experience of others. These internal emotional boundaries are sometimes called “differentiation”.

Well differentiated people do not “lose themselves” in the emotional experiences of others. Poorly differentiated people are consistently caught in the emotional storms of everyone around them. Differentiation can be practiced and improved.

…And this just scratches the surface. You’ll also learn about –

  • Emotional vs rational personality and communication styles
  • Maintaining a solid “Relationship Container” during hard times
  • Tools to support truth-telling in your relationship
  • Using intentional touch to support re-connection
  • Untangling love, sex, and intimacy (so important!)
  • Appropriate use of sex and eroticism for re-connection
  • Navigating unwelcome changes in your partner
  • Re-connecting through hopelessness and uncertainty

The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples:
Insights and practices for cultivating love, sex, and intimacy (even in difficult times)

Buy the book now (digital download – pdf – approximately 97 pages)
$25 USD.

BUy now button

You’ll be taken to a secure PayPal checkout page to pay, and then immediately re-directed to the download page to get your book.
I’ll also email you a link to the download page once I am notified of your payment.
If you have any trouble you can email or call me directly.
phone 778 996-3821

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17 replies on “The Re-Connection Handbook For Couples – by Justice Schanfarber”

Thank you, thank you Justice for your wonderful book. I love it. It is wonderful to read this book and see that this is the work I have done, that my husband and I have done, that we keep needing to do. Many wonderful books have come our way to help us through our own very challenging times! We were recently at another stuck place when your article came up on facebook, I of course read it and was very interested in what you said. Hence which lead me to buy your book. My husband and I started to read it, then he went away for the day and I sat here and read through the rest. This book really puts all the important aspects that come up in relationships in a very easy to read way. It will help us to work through yet another aspect of our relationship that has been difficult for me to address. Which has been for me to say what I want spiritually from our relationship, and not making what I want about what my husband wants, but being open to new ways that allow us to choose what it means to be spiritual. I felt he was not allowing me “in” and I can see how the way I was approaching it would not allow him to feel ok about sharing what he felt, I am learning to say how I feel about such and such and not say what he is doing that I dont like! and of course I have felt disconnected. All of your stories are wonderful, I relate to them all! After reading some of your book last night I was able to share with my husband what I wanted, without needing him to be any different. I felt like I had lifted a burden off my shoulders from a long way back. I feel very free! Your book is going to be a joy to re read and use the tools you have given to connect in ways we have never been before. My husband and I were well down on the emotional scale, it has not been easy, we just didn’t give up, we are in our early 60’s and I can see that we will discover new ways that have not been our experience but will be part of our future. Thank you again Justice.

I’ve read many books and explored various techniques to try to achieve a deeper connection with my partner. This is the most practical, straightforward and useful book I’ve come across on how to sustainably create a healthier, more vital relationship right now.

Are actual paperback books available for purchase in stores? I’d rather read an actual book then read it on my phone. If so, which stores?


Would this work for a couple that never argues? I like my husband. he is a good guy. We spend time together. He says thank you for things I do. We work together quite well on various charity organizations. We pretty much have the same value system: we are both savers, both have same parenting values, etc. The only things we have ever argued about was neatness of the house ( He is neater than I am.) But after 30 years we have met in the middle on that issue and don’t argue about that either.

Neither of us want to hurt the other one and are both very quick to apologize if we think we might have done something wrong. My husband is having health issues. I went back to work this year and that has helped my outlook on life tremendously. We only have 1 child left and she keeps us quite busy as she is social and cannot drive yet. I’m just don’t feel any passion anymore and I don’t think he does either, to be honest. Our sex life has dropped off to almost nonexistent. When I went off birth control, mine skyrocketted but he didn’t know what to do with that. He was polite and would try, but the passion of our early days just wasn’t there. Now that I have entered menopause. have a new job, and I just don’t ask anymore so weeks go by. As I menitoned stress and health problems don’t help. On our 25th anniversary trip to a very romantic destination, it took 4 days or so before we made love, but then it was every day. But then back to reality. We schedule a week long vacation once a year just the two of us along with several weekends a year. ( We have a long weekend coming up in a couple months.) We hold hands. We talk about our dreams. We take walks on our place the two of us several times a week.

I have probably 20 or more marriage books. So why don’t I feel like I am in love with him? He is a good friend. I’m not leaving. Our marriage is a covenant for life. I just thought it would be more, I guess. I thought it would be this passionate, fun connection. Most women would kill for what I have: he fixes anything in our house immediately, if I ever ask for something to be done, he does it immediately. He tells me he loves me every day. He has giant to do lists, but he puts me on it: go on a walk with…., to make sure he doesn’t forget me because he does love me. He will go on dates, but I have to plan them. I plan great big fun ones, which he really, really likes ( going out to dinner and leaving a key to a hotel with him, setting up camping on our property, making a scavenger hunt, etc.) He especiallly liked the scavenger hunt for an anniversary where I put pictures of something that happened each year and the clue to go find something that happened another year.

I have reliable and steady, but I want passion, creativity and fun. I have found a huge outlet this year with my job. I am having a ball and find myself just prattling on and on about it to him, but I know that gets old for him. I want to find HIM exciting. The job has helped my boredom, but unlike wat people suggested, it hasn’t helped the relationship. I want to want to spend time with him. To be honest, I wonder about just cancelling our weekend together so I can just do school stuff. I’m sure the problem is me, but I don’t know how to fix it. I just thought marriage would be more, I guess. Just an unrealistic expectation I suppose. But I don’t know how to not keep yearning for more. Would the book address that? Most books don’t really apply to us. As I said, we don’t fight so all of the silly communication stuff with the I and paraphrasing and all that…doesn’t fit. I managed to get him to go to counseling for his work stress ( which eventually caused a health issue after this that has had some major reprecussions .) and he had me come in with him. He feels like we should share everything, so I know how he feels. Even then, the counselor couldn’t see the stress. ( My husband is VERY calm on the outside and has never lost his cool/yelled in our marriage, professional life, etc. )He decided that he was like a person on the battlefield that can do his job , but then struggles after the battle is over.

My counselor recommended this game called Reunion that we played… We each guessed each other’s responses 100 percent of the time. We know exactly what each other is thinking most of the time. So, would your book work? Do I really need another marriage book?

Dear Hazel,

First, congratulations on what sounds like a lovely marriage and life. Second, I’m not at all surprised to hear that achieving the success of heartfelt connection, security, respect, and friendship has left important parts of you feeling empty and unsatisfied. The cruel reality is that the very things we work so hard to create in a marriage or relationship can also rob us of the feelings of excitement and liveliness that many of us crave in our relationships and lives. Thus, I hear stories like yours quite often.

I agree that you probably don’t need more books on conflict resolution, communication, love languages, or empathy. You already understand or possess these qualities in spades.

Unfortunately, most conventional thinking on marriage and relationships (including most counselling and therapy models) focuses exclusively on narrow definitions of connection, and misses other important areas. Creating and nurturing emotional bonds is an important part of the equation, but the other side of the coin is important too. The other side of the coin includes differentiation, novelty, tension, friction, uncertainty, risk… all ingredients necessary for that crucial and elusive experience many of us crave: eroticism.

Eroticism thrives in tension and uncertainty, in distance and danger, even in conflict or anger; all things we labour at minimizing in our lives. Ironic right? There’s no simple formula to solve this paradox, but we can acknowledge it and begin to work with it intentionally. In this regard, my book may be quite helpful and refreshing for you. The chapters on differentiation and eroticism may help fill in some of the missing pieces for you. In addition, my second book Conscious Kink for Couples: The beginner’s guide to using kinky sex and BDSM for pleasure, growth, intimacy, and healing might provide relevant and useful insights and practices.

Thanks for your thoughtful comment and great questions!

All my best,

Do you touch on sarcasm?
Example. I was talking to my brothers wife about nose jobs. And she commented how my my brother and I both have perfected noses. I said true, however my husband also had a perfect nose.
He really does and he has great full hair.
My husband heard or chat and started to be sarcastic about his look. I got furious and snapped at him. I felt he was insulting me because I was bragging about his looks. I love when my husband compliments my looks and intelligence and can’t understand way he uses sarcasm.
He always does this wherever I compliment his looks.
I told him, you might think you are joking but you are hurting me and poking at me for complimenting your looks.
At the end of the day, I started to ask myself can I be with someone who can’t take a compliment?
The answer is no.
I’ve spoken to my husband and this and he said he was joking. He might have, however I don’t find it one bit funny rather the exact opposite.
So, do you cover sarcasm in the book.

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