Author: Justice Schanfarber

Good conflict and bad conflict in relationships

Conflict can be necessary and valuable in relationships when it helps a couple identify differences, develop appropriate boundaries, and facilitate constructive negotiation and agreements. But there’s a particular type of conflict that only leaves couples feeling frustrated and stuck. It’s agonizing because it repeats and repeats but it never leads anywhere, accomplishes anything, or satisfies the underlying hopes or needs of the individuals involved: To feel safe, to feel understood, to feel the possibility of moving forward.

Ten years of helping couples worldwide has taught me that if you experience this kind of “conflict loop” in your relationship you are in very good company! People don’t always talk about it, but most of us have experienced this at some point.

Because this type of conflict is a result of survival mechanisms getting activated in the nervous system, I call it “fight or flight” conflict.

Fight or flight conflict almost never delivers any positive results. Over time it erodes goodwill and turns potential allies into enemies. After we look at how to identify it, I’m going to walk you through a simple practice (I call it “soothing the beast”) for de-escalating the fight or flight responses that characterize this kind of conflict.

Identifying fight or flight conflict

Fight or flight conflict can be identified by a set of observable characteristics. Once you able to identify that this is what is happening, you can apply the practice I explain below.

Characteristics of fight or flight conflict –

• Each of you feels “triggered”, and these triggers pass back and forth between you, escalating until you can’t think clearly.
• Fights repeat in eerily familiar patterns, but the issue is never resolved because you can’t address it without getting triggered and reactive.
• It feels like the worst in each of you comes out.
• Your partner feels like an enemy, not an ally.
• You have a visceral (body) response, during or after the conflict, ie – shaking, sobbing, numbing or freezing, feeling sick to your stomach, headaches etc.

Human beings have three distinct “operating systems”

To put this kind of conflict into context, we can think of human beings as having three distinct “operating systems.” Each of these three operating systems has their own strengths and weaknesses, and their own particular scope of concern. They are all three working in the background at any time, but usually one or another is operating in the foreground and defining your current experience.

Three human operating systems –

1. Rational
2. Emotional
3. Survival

The rational OS is associated with the forebrain and is responsible for ideas and concepts, language, a sense of time, and everything we think of as “rational”.

The emotional OS is associated with the mid-brain (mammalian brain) and is responsible for forming and managing emotional bonds with others.

The survival OS is associated with the brain stem (reptilian brain) and is responsible for basic life functions and also for automatic survival reactions (fight, flight etc).

When we can engage in conflict while still being able to retain some access to our rational and emotional operating systems we might successfully reconcile the differences or issues that are making trouble in the relationship. This is never easy to do, but the hard work can pay off. This is “good” conflict.

When the survival OS gets activated we lose access to the other two systems, and so we can not effectively consider other perspectives. We become highly reactive; a sideways glance or tone of voice can push us over the edge. We become hyper-vigilant and aggressive (or withdrawn), and our reactions are disproportionate for the situation (in hindsight). We don’t make progress in our relationship when we descend into survival mode, so we can probably agree that this is “bad” conflict.

Here’s my “soothing the beast” practice for calming the nervous system arousal that comes with the survival OS, and bringing your rational and emotional self back “online”.

Soothing the beast – A four-step practice for de-escalating fight or flight conflict

1. One person calls “Code red” (or whatever other cue you two choose). When code red is called you both stop talking.
2. Facing each other, take ten breaths together. This calms the nervous system and begins to build a bridge of coherence between you and your partner.
3. Whoever called code red reports on one sensation in their body, ie: “My stomach feels tight”.
4. The other person listens and acknowledges – “I hear your stomach feels tight” – then reports on a sensation in their own body, ie: “My face feels hot.” Repeat back and forth until your two nervous systems calm down and you can access your rational and emotional self.

Struggling to change conflict patterns in your relationship? Check out my book The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples (download a free sample chapter here).

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Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counseling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on the issues that make or break relationships – Sessions by telephone/skype worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com

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My couples counseling clients often tell me “I lost myself in the relationship” or “I lost my identity in my marriage”. By the time they are able to clearly articulate this feeling they have often already detached from their partner (but not always).

One of the questions I ask them is “Can you imagine claiming your own identity within this marriage? What would that require of you?”

A life without a self is not an option

Most people will not tolerate a life without a self. A psychological survival instinct will kick in eventually and say “You’ve lost yourself. Get out”. With today’s increasing personal autonomy and options, and a growing sense of the importance of self-identity within the culture at large, few people are willing to sacrifice their sense of self for a marriage.

Interestingly, in my couples counseling practice it is the partner (in hetero relationships it’s usually the man) of the person who lost their self-identity (usually the woman, often tied to mothering) who is often the biggest champion and supporter for their partner re-claiming their identity. Perhaps surprisingly, this encouraging stance is not generally met with much receptivity, and is often met with hostility. Why? Because by this point the lost-identity partner is already fantasizing about a new life, a life free from the self-erasure of their marriage. They’ve already broken the bond and are out the door.

The film “Marriage Story” is an example

Early detection is crucial. In Noah Baumbach’s film Marriage Story the wife, Nicole, has clearly lost herself in the marriage. By the time this begins to get explicitly addressed in the relationship it is too late. She is done.

The trouble is that losing yourself in a marriage or relationship happens slowly, little by little. We can tolerate the small compromises one-by-one. We don’t even notice them. But they build until a tipping point is reached.

Starring roles and supporting roles

An insightful colleague has suggested to me that in all relationships one person plays the “star” character or leading role and the other plays the supporting role. I’m not convinced that this is always the case, but it’s certainly true often enough to warrant attention.

Is there a starring role and a supporting role in your marriage? How do you feel about this? Discussing this with your partner is one way to help protect yourself against the lost-identity crisis. All relationships contain asymmetries of some type and it’s up to you to stay current (with yourself and your partner) about your comfort with these asymmetries, and to negotiate them before resentment builds.

If you occupy the starring role in the relationship, you will be wise to give your partner some of the limelight, a share of the power, to make compromises that allow them to feel solid in their own identity.

Protecting your relationship from a “lost-identity” crisis

There’s a particular complicity that takes over many relationships and is typically only visible in hindsight, after it’s too late. The lost-identity or “supporting role” partner will abdicate their own responsibility for advocating for themselves. This abdication is often correlated with low self-esteem, low self-confidence, passive/aggressive strategies for obtaining love, and other unconscious, unresolved issues. The dominant or “starring role” partner is complicit when they ignore or “don’t notice” that their partner is betraying themselves, is living small, is unhappy, and is growing resentful.

The lost-identity partner (unconsciously) believes that if they live small and let the dominant partner enjoy the spotlight eventually it will work out well. The starring-role partner interprets this as “support” and active willingness (even though it is not), and is shocked when they find themselves blamed for their partner’s loss of self-identity. By this time the whole thing has gone on for so long that much damage has been done, and it can be difficult to recover.

Recovering from losing yourself in relationship

For couples trying to recover from this predicament –

The lost-identity partner must confront their own responsibility for giving their identity away, and recognize the limits of their partner’s responsibility.

The starring-role partner must confront their own self-centredness and complicit denial in the dynamic.

These are both critically important steps, and can be a long process to complete. The role of each partner in this case is never simply about their behaviour in this particular relationship, rather they come to examine deeper psychological patterns of superiority, inferiority, the handling of power, blame etc.

As difficult as this scenario is, when couples are able to work through it they come to the other side at a new level of personal maturity and integrity. If a couple is unable or unwilling to work through it, each individual is likely to repeat the pattern unless they do significant work on the issue individually before beginning a new relationship.

To learn more about recovering your self-hood in relationships check out my book The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples (download a free sample chapter here).

Do you have something to say about this topic? Leave a comment below.

Like what you’re reading here?
You’ll love my book.
Read the first 10 pages free.

Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counselling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples worldwide on the issues that make or break relationships. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com

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