Resolve relationship difficulties and grow together
Healthy and satisfying relationships don’t just happen, and they’re not a product of luck.
Smart, happy, successful people learn how to give each other, and themselves, the kind of attention that helps a relationship or marriage thrive.
Even with good intentions, many couples have a hard time talking with each other about their relationship. Defensiveness, accusations, and old “triggers” get activated, leaving you feeling worse rather than better.
Over time, this creates a feedback loop that takes you even further from the resolution and connection you want. Ideally you catch it early, but often these patterns intensify over years.
I’ve facilitated thousands of conversations between couples, and I provide the structure, perspective, and tools for turning difficult conversations into satisfying ones.
Friction and conflict point the way to growth
Relationships flourish and grow through joy, exuberance, and satisfaction, but friction and conflict are also growth mechanisms, and they point the way toward the next stage of development.
Because it’s uncomfortable, the reflexive response to friction and conflict in relationship is to try and get of rid of it as quickly as possible. But if you don’t recognize and support the growth trying to happen, you skip over one of the most profound gifts that relationships offer, and you stay stuck.
Relationships evolve in somewhat predictable stages, and conflict comes with the second stage. I call it the Disillusionment Stage, and this is when people seek help.
You can learn about the three stages of relationship in my article here, and also in the description of my R3 Relationship Masterclass.
Emotional enmeshment: Disentangling the knots
People in relationship distress tend to find themselves emotionally entangled with each other and unable to hold their own center. This is often true even if this entanglement is outwardly expressed as distancing or avoidance.
I help each person disentangle themselves from the knots of emotional enmeshment with the other, find their own solid center and grounding, bring this forward, and see what is now possible (and wanted) in the relationship.
A forward-focused developmental approach
My forward-focused developmental approach to couples work has roots in the family systems theory pioneered by Murray Bowen, David Schnarch‘s Crucible Therapy, and the contributions of thought-leaders like Roberta M. Gilbert, Esther Perel, Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson.
Extensive practical experience working with client couples has helped me build on the work of those who have come before, and inspired me to keep creating and refining methods for supporting the emotional differentiation and personal development of individuals within a relationship.
Many of my clients are people who have done attachment and trauma focused therapy in the past, and are ready for a new approach.
Emotional agency and a solid sense of self
The majority of couples therapy and marriage counseling is attachment-based and rests on the premise that a relationship is where two people negotiate with each other to get their emotional needs met. If the vision of relationship ends here, emotional enmeshment and dependency are essentially codified.
By contrast, my clients are encouraged to take a developmental leap beyond dependency, discover their emotional agency, and develop a solid (yet flexible) sense of self.
One of the results of accomplishing this developmental leap forward is a relationship oriented around wants (desire) rather than needs.
“Need” is, after all, the language of survival, while wanting (knowing what you want, feeling good about moving toward what you want), is synonymous with thriving.
Surviving a relationship is obviously a good thing, but learning to thrive in a relationship is better.
I help people move past a needs-based relationship paradigm marked by emotional enmeshment, with all of its associated struggle and anxiety, and toward a desire-based relationship that feels empowering, exhilarating, and full of life and possibility.
Work with me
I work with couples and individuals worldwide. Initially this is a series of four weekly sessions. Email me to request a client information package with details and current pricing. Please include your country of residence in your email.
Books and courses
My popular book from 2015, The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples, is a great way to get started, and you can download a free sample chapter here.
My R3 Relationship Masterclass is also a wonderful resource, offering perspectives and tools that you are unlikely to find elsewhere. Listen to a free sample here.