In this module: What it means to be really, really nice to yourself and gentle with yourself always from the perspective of the three human operating systems. Learning what feels good is a life long journey. You live in a world of endless potential influences… Choose well!
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Module five
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Full transcript of Module five:
I’m Justice Schanfarber, and this is module five of the gentle art of emotional mastery seven day audio course, where you learn to create preferred emotional states from the inside out, regardless of past history, current circumstances, or other people.
What does it mean to be really, really nice to yourself and gentle with yourself always?
Let’s look at this from the perspective of the three human operating systems.
Sensation, cognition, emotion.
Being really, really nice to yourself and gentle with yourself always at the level of sensation means listening to what your body is telling you and responding intelligently, with care.
When you’re hungry, eat. If you eat good food, your body lets you know. If you eat bad food, your body lets you know.
When you’re tired, rest.
When you’re stiff or sore, stretch or get outside or take a bath.
Not everyone is actually sensitive enough to how they are feeling in their body to receive the signals that their body is giving them. The signal will get louder.
It benefits you to allow greater sensitivity in this regard, and to be responsive to what your body wants. Many people have intentionally desensitized themselves to the messages of their body because they want to be able to work harder or tolerate greater discomfort for some real or imagined reward. This is counter to the gentle art of emotional mastery and probably to your well-being in general.
As we learned in an earlier guided embodiment exercise, sensation in the body is also a window or access point to emotion.
Caring for the body, allowing for sensitivity about what the body is telling you, and engaging the body at subtle levels to create preferred emotional states, from the inside out, regardless of past history, current circumstances, or other people, are all ways of being really, really nice to yourself and gentle with yourself always, and are key parts of the gentle art of emotional mastery.
You can take this further by honoring your body through bathing, anointing yourself with fragrant oils, brushing, braiding or otherwise caring for your hair, breath work, yoga, dance and movement, and any physical practice that feels good. If you’re not used to this it can feel quite indulgent, which is a good thing. The gentle art of emotional mastery is very indulgent. You are constantly indulging your desire to feel good, and following this desire as it changes, grows, and evolves, including physically.
Trust the desire to feel good. It’s your friend. It’s your guide, your compass, your North Star. Most people discover that some of the things that they thought would make them feel good have a downside or short-lived benefit. If you think that eating a pint of ice cream or drinking six beers quickly is going to satisfy your desire to feel good, you might quickly refine your ideas about what feels good. Or the learning might not be so quick.
Some people eat ice cream or drink beer far beyond the point of feeling good for many years. Life is always teaching, but are you receptive to learning?
Learning what feels good is a life long journey. Befriend the journey. Be really, really nice to yourself and gentle with yourself always as you discover what feels good next.
Some people feel tricked by the desire to feel good. They follow the desire and it ends up feeling other than good, and so they become suspicious and hard on themselves, doubting the most basic aspect of their humanity: the desire to feel good.
To truly thrive in this lifetime you must find a way of befriending and trusting the desire to feel good, which is really the same thing as befriending and trusting yourself, which is really the same thing as befriending and trusting life, which is really the same thing as being really, really nice to yourself and gentle with yourself always.
Let’s talk about the cognitive operating system, about how you can refine your thinking to be really, really nice to yourself and gentle with yourself always.
Do you ever doubt your basic goodness?
Do you ever doubt that things are ultimately working out for you?
Do you ever entertain painful ideas about yourself, others, or the world?
Do you ever try to motivate yourself with fears about what will happen if you don’t do xyz?
Do you worry about what other people think of you?
Do you worry about anything at all?
Do you look for ways of justifying feeling bad or for evidence of what is going wrong?
Do you ever tell yourself (or others) stories that portray you (or others) in a negative light?
Do you harbor regrets about the past or fears about the future?
These are all ways, very common ways, very normal ways, that people use their cognitive operating system against their own well-being. It feels bad when you do this, which is a good thing because how you feel is your ultimate guide.
Do you talk to yourself, actually talk to yourself, out loud or in your head, or in writing even, about how great you are and how much you love and appreciate yourself?
When you talk about yourself with other people, are you careful to always portray yourself in favorable, loving terms, not as a self-promotion strategy, but as an accurate reflection and honoring of who you know yourself to be?
Do you smile at yourself in the mirror and enjoy seeing yourself smile back?
Do you use your memory or imagination to find enjoyable images and experiences?
Do you occupy your thoughts with the details only of that which delights you?
Do you care about how you feel more than anything else?
Do you actively feel love for yourself, and from yourself, in each moment?
Do you sit quietly at least once a day for a short time, maybe you call it meditation, and actively enjoy inhabiting your own mind and body?
Do you feel the nourishment of each breath as you breathe it, joyful in your recognition of what a perfect match you are for well-being and for all that you want to have in this life?
Do you look out into the world and see endless beauty and possibility for more and more wonderful experiences?
Do you construct stories about your existence that exhilarate and delight you?
You could. You would enjoy it. It would be a very good use of your time and your attention and your life here on Earth.
You live in a world of literally endless potential influences, both within you, in the form of thought, feeling, and sensation, including memories, imaginings, inspirations, and intuitions of all sorts, and also without you, out there in the world; every observable phenomena including all of nature, other people and what they think, feel, and do, and everything that is being communicated via the five senses. All of this can potentially influence you.
I call these “potential” influences because only a tiny fraction of this literally infinite sea of phenomena will end up shaping your emotional experience.
The gentle art of emotional mastery is learning to choose which of this infinite phenomena, which thoughts, which actions of other people, which aspects of observable nature or the built world, will shape your emotional state in any given moment.
You can imagine this as a filter allowing only certain particles to pass into you. If you do not design this filter for yourself according to what feels good, it will be designed according to other factors, including past history, current circumstances, and other people.
I’ve known people who see disaster everywhere they look. We could be looking at the same view and be seeing completely different things, and more importantly, feeling completely different things.
Sometimes I will get into a conversation with someone who is quite shocked that I don’t see things the way they do. Specifically, that I do not see the wrongdoing or the horror or the problems or the brokenness that they are focused upon. Am I in denial? Am I avoiding reality?
It’s been said that we do not see the world as it is, but as we are. Intentionally creating the Self, the Me, that is experiencing my life, is the most important, most fun, most exhilarating adventure I’ve ever undertaken.
I create My Self by choosing what to be influenced by. I live awash in a sea of literally infinite choices, infinite potential influences. What will I “let in” to shape my emotional experience, and so define my world?
How will I choose? First I must believe that I am able to choose, and that I am allowed to choose, that it is good to choose. This in itself can be quite an accomplishment! Encountering choice where it was previously invisible or taboo is a mark of evolution, of living at your leading edge, and is a wonderful thing. More choice, more choice, more choice. That’s what living in this ever-expanding universe, what being the literal, actual, living face of this ever-expanding universe is all about. Discovering choice upon choice upon choice as I construct my ideal Self.
Once I decide that it’s possible and good to choose from the infinite influences on offer, what criteria shall I use? How will I decide what I will allow to shape my emotional state, my reality, my Self? What shall my building blocks be?
Take a moment now and consider the options. If you came to the realization that you could choose, from the infinite options on offer, what you would allow into your experience, what you would allow to define your reality, what would you focus upon, how would you choose?
How does it feel to consider the question?
When I faced this question I decided to use a very specific criteria, and there’s a story that goes with this. I’ll keep it brief.
I was going through one of those dark night of the soul experiences that depth psychologists and poets love so much. A relationship had ended. There had been a suicide. There was a hospital visit and discovery of a potentially life threatening condition.
I was down in the dumps. It had been going on for a few months.
One day someone close to me asked: “Do you WANT to feel good?”
They asked with such genuine earnestness that I was kind of startled. What kind of question was that? I considered their question carefully and answered with absolute honesty and clarity.
“No, but I’m getting close.”
And I was getting close. Within a couple weeks I had decided that I wanted to feel good, and I immediately realized how to go about it.
I decided to be really, really nice to myself and gentle with myself always, and I instantly knew what that was going to mean in practice, and how it would change how I lived my life. I was willing to change how I lived my life. That is a condition of emotional mastery.
In this infinite sea of possible influences that we call reality, I would give my attention only to that which feels good. Everything from now on would be determined by this criteria. Does it feel good to give this my attention? Yes? More attention. No? Less attention.
This is how I would set my filter. Not by what seemed to “demand” my attention. Not by how people around me were focusing their attention, or how they wanted me to focus mine. Not by how I was accustomed to focusing my attention in the past. Just by what feels better now.
Life got a lot simpler. I enjoyed more clarity of thought and feeling than ever before. It all happened very quickly. Or did it? Who’s to say when the process really started? But I do know when it tipped into my consciousness and when it became a conscious choice, and I’m immensely appreciative of myself for creating an entirely new kind of life experience.
The way that I sort through the infinite potential influences that are always on offer is I notice which ones feel good and which ones feel other-than-good. The contrast clarifies.
Every life situation is subject to a variety of perspectives, and each moment of my life is defined by the perspective I am embodying at that moment. It really is that dynamic, that alive. It’s a moment to moment perspectival determination.
Another way to say perspective is “story”. What kind of story am I telling myself and others about my life? Is it a story that feels good? Or am I trying to feel good about feeling bad, seeking company or understanding in my doubt or worry, or justifying my unhappiness?
I only tell myself stories that feel good. I only tell myself stories about me that feel good. I only tell myself stories about others that feel good. I only tell myself stories about the world that feel good.
OK, that’s not entirely true. It’s only about ninety-five percent true. I sometimes dip into telling myself lousy feeling stories. And when I do, I immediately know because it feels bad. And that’s the only indication I need to get me back in the direction of better feeling stories. The contrast clarifies and guides me.
I came to care so much about how I feel, that I will not tolerate embodying a perspective or telling a story, about myself, others, or the world, that feels less than good.
If I notice something uncomfortable or painful in my body, I don’t ignore it, I make an adjustment so that I feel better. The same applies to my cognition, my thinking, my mind. When I encounter a thought, a story, a perspective or belief that feels uncomfortable or painful, I don’t ignore it, I recognize it as the signal that it is, a cue to make an inner adjustment in my thinking, an adjustment that lets me feel better quickly.
If I had to change everything out there in the world to match my preferences before I could feel good, that would be a very slow, frankly impossible and hopeless project. And yet that’s what most people are doing, digging in their heals and proclaiming “I refuse to feel good until the world bends to my will.” That’s not how it works.
But I can actually have it both ways if I get the sequence right. When I decide to construct or allow or create or activate a good feeling emotional state in myself from the inside out first, unconditionally, regardless of past history, current circumstances, or other people, not only do I enjoy the instant reward of feeling better, I also instantly become a more effective presence in the world, and my behavior and actions will be more in alignment with my love, my care, my essence, my nature, my heart’s deepest desires, and what people sometimes call goals or values. My real-world expertise, experience, and skills can be put to best use.
I know there are plenty of things going on in the world that do not match my preferences, that I do not want to be happening. And they do not get my precious attention. I am extremely discerning about how I use my attention, because I know that my attention is my primary tool for creating my reality. I create more of what I focus my attention upon. I can’t help it. That’s just how it works.
This especially applies to emotion. When I feel good, I take those feelings seriously. I explore every nook and cranny of the feeling, harvesting every jewel, basking in every ray, delighting in each morsel. When I feel less than good, I simply relax. I don’t take it very seriously. I know there’s no treasure to be found yet, but that the feeling will change, will improve, if I leave it alone. And it does. Every single time.
Every time I go through an emotional dip, and I do not activate more of the same by giving it undue attention, it passes. And not only does it pass, but it gives way to more clarity, to new clarity, about something I want, which feels good. I don’t like feeling emotionally low, hollow, bereft, doubtful… but it’s gotten to the point now where, when I do, I actually look forward to the clarity that it will deliver. I don’t struggle, I don’t resist, I don’t panic, I don’t try to fix it, I don’t treat it like a problem to be solved. I’m just really, really nice to myself and gentle with myself, like always.
I always tell myself the best feeling story about what is happening that I can genuinely muster. I never lie to myself or pretend that I feel other than I do. I am always reaching for the best feeling experience that is available to me in every moment. I do this through my three operating systems, through sensation, through cognition, through emotion. Through my body, through my mind, through my heart.
Emotion can be a little harder to reach directly, so I use sensation or cognition as windows or access points to emotion. I inhabit my body and my mind intentionally, using my power of focus and attention to choose which sensations, thoughts, ideas, stories I will emphasize in my moment to moment experience.
None of this is hard work. It only takes enough sensitivity to recognize the difference between what feels good and what feels less-than-good, and it takes a clear preference for feeling good.
I know that my true nature is joy, and that my joy has purpose. This is knowledge that I practice.
Does the idea of practicing knowledge sound funny? There’s infinite knowledge available, on offer through infinite channels, all the time. I can have knowledge of things, of facts, that feel good, and I can have knowledge of things, of facts, that feel bad. I can try to balance out the good feeling and bad feeling knowledge to maintain some kind of realistic balance. Or I can decide that I care most about feeling good, and I will focus upon the knowledge that supports this. This is how I practice knowledge.
I am not in denial. I am in alignment. I am in alignment with my desire to feel good, and with my knowledge that my joy is natural and good and purposeful. I am in alignment with my knowledge that my only job is to use my power of focus, my power of choice, to bring my attention to pleasing topics and ideas, and I am in alignment with my knowledge that my well-being is good for me, and is good for anyone who comes into contact with me when I am embodying it.
There is no downside to any of this.
Some people are using negative emotion and feelings of unwell-ness or worry or criticism to try to motivate themselves or others to behave a certain way or take a certain kind of action.
People who are doing this will not agree with what I am saying in this course.
That’s OK. I don’t have many people like this in my life anymore, and I’m happy to allow others to live in ways that suit them. I rarely find myself in disagreements, struggles, or debates with others because I don’t enjoy it, I don’t attract it, I don’t indulge it, I don’t tolerate it. There’s no defiance or defensiveness in this.
I’ve decided that I am here in this life to be really, really nice to myself and gentle with myself always. I’m here to create preferred emotional states for myself, from the inside out, regardless of past history, current circumstances, or other people. And I’m here to guide and connect with others who believe they are here for the same.
On that last point… If you like this course, and you want to continue on this path of the gentle art of emotional mastery beyond these seven modules, consider becoming a supporting subscriber of this work. You’ll get access to all sorts of ongoing audio recordings, resources, and even live calls and webinars. Find out more on my website, or on the page for this module.
This concludes Module five.
In the next module I’m going to describe three-stages of emotional development. This developmental map will help you understand where you’ve come from on your emotional journey, where you are now on your emotional journey, and where you might go next on your emotional journey. People really like it. It’s one of my most popular teachings.
In the meantime, consider doing one of the previous guided embodiment exercises from the first four modules. If you’re not sure which one, start with the first, work through all four, doing one each day, then repeat. There’s no end to the benefit you will receive from repeated use.
This path of the gentle art of emotional mastery is something you do for yourself, but it’s more fun when other people are doing it too. Consider sharing this course with anyone who could benefit. Email a few friends the link to the info page. Share it on Facebook or whatever social media you use.
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