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In this module: Your entire experience is valid. I only concern myself with the details of that which delights me.
Guided Embodiment Exercise: Enjoying the details of that which delights you as sensation in the body.
Mentioned in this module: R3 Relationship Masterclass.
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Module one
Module two
Module three
Module four
Module five
Module six
Module seven
Full transcript of Module two:
I’m Justice Schanfarber, and this is module two of the gentle art of emotional mastery seven day audio course, where you learn to create preferred emotional states, from the inside out, regardless of past history, current circumstances, or other people.
As I created module one, I briefly considered including some kind of worksheet where you could itemize the various ways that you came to believe it was wrong to want to feel good. I’m sure all of us could fill a few pages with those details.
I briefly considered including this because it’s the kind of thing I see in self-help books and courses, as though it’s necessary to understand how you lost your way before you go about finding it. But it isn’t necessary. The gentle art of emotional mastery doesn’t require you to understand, explain, justify, process, or examine all the unwanted or unsupportive experiences that got you here, it only requires your focus on what you want now, which is to feel good.
Some people do get some satisfaction from sorting through their past history and identifying unwanted experiences that had an impact on them. It can feel validating, and it can help with forgiveness of self or others.
This is all fine, and will suite some people, but I don’t get into any of that. I used to, but not anymore. Here’s why –
All of your experiences, including your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, are valid. That’s it. Full stop. All valid. And forgiveness is unnecessary, pretty much irrelevant to emotional mastery and feeling good unconditionally from the inside out.
The energy of validation or forgiveness is weighted with ambivalence. I call it “feeling good about feeling bad”. It’s in the same category as needing to be understood before you can feel good.
Validation, forgiveness, needing to be understood; these are all ways of trying to negotiate your emotional well-being with others, of making your emotional experience contingent upon how someone else sees you, or how you see someone else. Most people are doing this, but it’s unnecessary, dis-empowering, highly conditional, and a really hard way to get to the prize of feeling good, which is, after all your true nature, not something to earn, negotiate, or reward yourself with only after effort.
I talk more about this in my R3 Relationship Masterclass. You can listen to a sample on my website.
Here’s my rule of thumb… It’s really good, so listen closely.
I only concern myself with the details of that which delights me.
I practice this – living it, embodying it – about eighty or ninety percent of the time. That’s enough to keep me focused and keep me building emotional momentum in the direction that I choose for myself, to keep me thriving rather than surviving.
Life has taught me a lot, including teaching me how I prefer to feel. When I stay focused and use my attention only in ways that are aligned with how I want to feel, I build momentum in that direction and its easier to maintain my preferred emotional state unconditionally, regardless of past history, current circumstances, or other people.
My rule of thumb again: I only concern myself with the details of that which delights me.
You’re welcome to make this your rule of thumb or guiding principle too. If you do, it will give you a very precise and dependable guide for where to direct your attention in any given moment.
Let’s do a guided embodiment exercise.
Turn off your phone so you won’t be disturbed. Press pause on this recording and get prepared if you need to.
Just like last time, take a moment and get comfortable in a seated position. You want to be alert, not sleepy, but relaxed and open.
Close your eyes now if that feels OK, and as you close your eyes, let that mark a shift in your attention. Let your attention move from the outer world of things, to your inner world of thought, feeling, and sensation.
Start to notice the natural rhythm of your breath, and as you notice the quality of your breathing, make adjustments based on your desire to feel good. Maybe a slower breath would feel better. Maybe breathing a little more deeply into your belly or chest would feel better.
Start making whatever adjustments feel good in relation to how you are breathing.
As you make these adjustments, however big or small, notice the improvement in how you feel physically. Notice the improvement in how you feel mentally. And notice the improvement in how you feel emotionally. You can also just notice the improvement in how you feel very generally.
As your attention settles on your inner experience in this moment, you’ll probably notice some habitual tension you’re holding in your body. Relax any gripping, any part of your body that wants softening and relief, and continue doing this throughout this guided embodiment exercise.
The theme today is delight, and enjoying the details of that which delights you.
Let’s start with sensation in your body.
Find a sensation right now that feels good. Let it be easy. The sensation can be very subtle. In fact, an ability to enjoy a very subtle sensation will serve you marvelously in the gentle art of emotional mastery.
The sensation can be anywhere in your body. Maybe related to the dynamic rhythm of your breathing. Maybe not. Just choose some sensation that feels good, however obvious or slight. Let it be spontaneous, not something you have to work at, but something that is present, available, and welcoming of your attention.
Now just let your attention settle on the pleasing sensation. Start to notice more and more details of this pleasing sensation. If the sensation changes or moves, gently follow it. Follow it with the intention of enjoying it. This is about creating enjoyment for yourself.
Continue to notice the details of the pleasant sensation. Let yourself appreciate this moment that is delivering something agreeable to you, and feel your appreciation for yourself for being a co-creator or collaborator in the creation of this satisfying-feeling experience.
Notice that none of this is hard work. It requires some focus, but not effort. Your desire to feel good and your willingness to focus upon something that feels good are all that is required. And your body is generously always available to you. If you will allow yourself to feel the sensations in your body you will always have access to something agreeable.
Thank yourself for engaging with yourself in this way. I really encourage you to thank yourself out loud, using your name. It can be simple and short.
I might say something like –
“Thank you so much Justice for taking this time to enjoy yourself in this way.”
I actually talk to myself like this throughout the day; out loud when it’s convenient and comfortable, silently if it might feel awkward or confuse other people around me.
Now let’s switch gears a little bit. Stay in this inner space of sensitive observation and inquiry. We’re going to do something similar to what we just did, but rather than using a sensation in the body, we’ll use thought or image in the mind.
Think of something that delights you. Be easy about it. You can use the first or second thing that comes to mind. Let the image of the thing or the experience delight you now. Use your memory or your imagination to shape how you feel in this moment. It’s a simple thing I’m asking you to do. You’re always conjuring some idea of something and letting it shape your emotional experience, you’re just doing it intentionally now, so it might feel a little different or unfamiliar, but it’s a great thing to get some practice and familiarity with.
Now start to focus on the details of this thing or experience or idea or person or place that delights you. Let it become more vivid. Let a detail about it come into focus and start to deepen or sharpen or elevate your delight and good feeling.
You’re using some wanted experience, some delightful thing to activate good feelings in you. And then you’re focusing in on details of this delightful thing so that even more appreciation and positive emotion is activated.
Stay with your delight or your enjoyment for a few more moments.
Let it grow. See how big you can allow it to be in your experience right now. Let it make you smile. Let it shape your body and your breathing. Adjust yourself physically in small or large ways to accommodate your good feelings as you keep this image and this experience active in your imagination.
Notice how subtle all of this can be… the delightful thing in all its detail, and also your good feeling. Really notice all the subtle qualities of the good feeling; the delight, the enjoyment. How it feels in your body.
Feel yourself taking satisfaction, nourishment, enjoyment.
You don’t have to try to pump it up or exaggerate it in any way, just let it be as big, as bold, as lovely, as full, as easy as it wants to be.
Your natural emotional baseline is joy. When you relax your mind and your body, joy will fill you if you allow it. Emotional mastery is an allowing thing. It’s a homecoming. A return to your basic nature that is goodness and well-being.
If it’s not happening for you right now, that’s OK. You can’t force it. Just keep going with this course and come back to this exercise again later.
Remember, be gentle with yourself. Be nice to yourself. Everything else we do in this course is secondary. Even if you do nothing but be consistently nice to yourself, always gentle with yourself, you will move toward a stable emotional baseline and a better feeling life experience.
We’ll finish this guided embodiment exercise now. Take your time transitioning from your inner world to your outer world. Savour the pleasure and satisfaction you’ve generated for yourself, and bring it with you as you shift your focus back to your outer life and whatever you will do with yourself next.
Really feel this process of carrying whatever you liked in this exercise forward with you. There’s no reason why any good feeling you’ve generated in these past minutes can’t continue.
Even as you move into the next part of your day or night, feel yourself setting your own mood according to your preference for how you want to feel.
As you move through the motions of life over the next few days, pause periodically and notice your emotional baseline. Is it where you want it to be? Is there room for improvement? Use these methods you’re learning here. Take a moment in your day and connect with your breath. Feel how you are holding your body. Make adjustments and feel better.
Call forth in your mind something that delights you. A person, place, thing, event, experience. It can be from the past, the present, or something you’re looking forward to in the future. Use your imagination or memory to explore all the delightful details, enjoying the emotional reward that you are delivering to yourself. This is a very good use of your time, your attention, and your mental faculties, and it has no downside whatsoever.
Appreciate yourself for giving yourself these emotional rewards. Delight in your ability to feel good, and in your willingness to receive satisfaction from your enjoyment of your self.
Feel that bridge, that connection between the receiving you and the giving you. Let yourself recognize and appreciate how profound it feels to be in that connection. Savour that feeling and start to bring it with you everywhere you go.
That’s what we’re doing here in these teachings and in these exercises. We’re building new habits, new pathways, easy ways to be with your self, to enjoy your self, to thrive and to be well.
This completes module two. Tomorrow I’ll introduce you to the three human operating systems, giving you three different ways to enjoy shaping your emotional state from the inside, and we’ll finish with another guided embodiment exercise to bring deeper clarity and visceral satisfaction to the teachings.
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