Why men leave women they love – What every woman needs to know

Why men leave women they love - Justice Schanfarber CounsellingOver a year ago I shared a simple insight gleaned from my work as a marriage counsellor about why women leave men they love. (Click here to read the original article.)

The article struck a chord worldwide, and I quickly received hundreds of emails, comments, questions and requests of all sorts. Many readers, women and men both, wanted to hear a comparable counter-point, something about why men leave the women they love, the assumption being that there must be some innate symmetry to this phenomenon. I’m not sure there is.

I have wrestled with this counter-point, this question of men leaving women they love, in my mind and on paper, for well over a year now.

Why men leave women they love… Or do they?

The truth is, in my clinical experience, I rarely see men doing the leaving. Men compartmentalize. They withdraw into work, hobbies, fantasy, or addiction. They cheat or carry on secret lives and secret affairs. They might create situations that make it impossible for a marriage or relationship to continue. Men also suffer silently, shouldering massive burdens. The men I work with often have a high tolerance for disconnection. They might leave a dissatisfying relationship in spirit (sometimes they never fully arrive), but they are unlikely to leave in body. Certainly the description above does not fit all men, but the general patterns I see in my couples counselling practice recur too often to ignore.

I find it interesting that when women leave a dead or dissatisfying relationship they are celebrated for their courage. (You can see this in some of the comments on the original article.) Men though, seem to be held to a different standard; by society, by each other, by women, and perhaps most importantly, by their own selves.

It might be a sense of duty or sacrifice that keeps men from leaving. Or an ability to cleave off parts of themselves that don’t fit into the box they feel they must occupy. A man’s focus on performance and success might make the feelings of a failed marriage intolerable, and so the shame of leaving is not an option.

Or perhaps men expect less from a relationship, less from love. Perhaps the painful and revelatory truth is that men expect less from life. Beneath whatever bravado we may see from the outside, many men are disconnected from any real, living sense of purpose in their lives. Their chests may be puffed out, but their hearts are empty.

As many women are awakening to long repressed (and suppressed) desires – for freedom, for expression, sensuality, power, intimacy, eroticism, authenticity, aliveness – their male counterparts may be trudging on, heads down.

In his book Iron John – A book about men, poet and author Robert Bly suggests that –

“… the European novel, a lovely phenomenon of the last two centuries, has taught more than one contemporary woman what a rich reservoir of impulses and longings she has in her soul that can be satisfied or remain unsatisfied… A twentieth century woman feels complicated sensibilities in herself that no ordinary or mortal man can meet.”

These complicated sensibilities do not seem to be surfacing in men in the same way, and perhaps rightly so. Women’s paths and men’s paths, while intertwined, seem also to be necessarily different. Nonetheless, men too have their own “complicated sensibilities” and their own “rich reservoirs” to discover and attend to.

In archetypal terms, we could say that many women continue to take on the lover qualities in a relationship, while men embody the warrior.  The warrior is able to put feelings aside and work for a greater good based on principles and ideals. This ability is valuable, but when these principles and ideals are divorced from a man’s true calling, when they are in opposition to his heart, the warrior energy becomes twisted, and the man becomes mechanical, cold, withdrawn. (Of course these roles may also be reversed. Plenty of women are discovering their inner warrior, and men their inner lover. All configurations can be valuable, and all can be troublesome.)

There’s a saying, “Do not give a sword to a man who can not dance.” Warrior energy is powerful and noble in its healthy and lively expressions, but if it becomes too rigid it morphs into a sad and dangerous parody of itself. The man who can not dance is a man who can not feel. He can not feel the rhythms of life, of others, of relationship. Dancing requires an alertness, it requires grace. Dancing requires an erotic intelligence. A man singularly focused, without these qualities, ends up cut off from feeling, inaccessible to himself and others.

Many a man has expressed great bitterness at his wife’s leaving, even as he has sacrificed so much of himself to fulfill the bargain he believed was necessary for a relationship or marriage. He has worked at a job that is dangerous, for his body or his soul. He has turned off much of his feeling so that he can perform adequately to provide economically for his family. When women leave these men, bewilderment sets in. These men believe they did everything they could. If we are not careful, victim and villain archetypes settle into our bones, and men and women find themselves pitted against each other, and ultimately against important aspects of themselves.

In my original article that roused so much attention, I pose a question to male readers –

“Can you feel your passion? If you’ve lost it, why? Where did it go? Find out. Find it. If you never discovered it you are living on borrowed time.”

If men aren’t able to be fully present in their relationship, even for five minutes at a time, it might be that they are disconnected from their heart, from their passion; strangers to their own “complicated sensibilities” and “rich reservoirs.” Paradoxically, men’s connection to these parts of themselves allows them to be fully present in relationship, AND it simultaneously gives them the power to leave.

If we want men to show up more profoundly, we must also be prepared for their long bottled up rage at being used and abused – as cannon fodder, economic fodder, entertainment fodder, family fodder and so on. If we want men connected to their passion for life, we must be prepared to listen to what these passions have to say. Sometimes the words will be no. Or goodbye.

As it is for Bly’s twentieth century woman, an awakening man becomes capable of both strengthening and destroying a marriage. If we want to preserve marriage at all costs, then best to kill all passions, all heart’s desire, all “complicated sensibilities” and “rich reservoirs.” Indeed, this has sometimes been official policy, at the personal and the cultural levels. If, however, we want a relationship with an awake, passionate, present, and empowered partner, we had better be willing to face all the possible outcomes. Frightening perhaps, but I don’t know a better option.

 

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14 thoughts on “Why men leave women they love – What every woman needs to know

  1. Angela Inglis

    Wow. What a deeply insightful and educational article. Justice, you continue to enlighten me with your laser-sharp insights and clear perspective on relationship. Thank you for sharing with us.

    Reply
  2. Nate

    This article feels like it’s being rather negative towards the male’s side. The other article talked about how men can lack passion for life, that can lead to women leave them even though the women still love them. And this article talks about how men can become too robotic because they’re filling gender stereotypes. This article doesn’t address women at all, the flaws in thier character, the things that push men away.

    As much as I got as a man from the original counter article to this one, I don’t think women will get anything similar. Instead of making women take a look at themselves and why their men would leave, it points the finger at men and how easy it is for them to leave.

    Reply
    1. Justice Schanfarber Post author

      Thanks for weighing in. I agree, there is no obvious gender symmetry to be had in these articles. Keep in mind that I am sharing brief insights from my experience as a counsellor, and not trying to provide comprehensive maps of gender dynamics or relationships. If a story putting a woman in the insight position would feel more satisfying or provide a sense of balance for you, you can always have a look at Marriage counselling made it worse – A tale of caution and hope.

      Best,
      Justice

      Reply
  3. Chris

    In both this article and your article on why women leave men, you frequently use the word passion. Unfortunately, in this day and age passion is one of the most commonly overused words in existence. It is difficult to really understand what passion even is. If most of your life is drudgery, being asked about your “passion” can make you want to withdraw even more.

    Reply
  4. Marc

    Interesting. This article, like your other one, seems to focus on men as ‘the problem.’ Yes, men contribute to broken homes AND SO DO WOMEN. Your descriptions on being present as a man are pretty dead on ., and I speak as a man that’s been with his with for 20 years (15 married, 5dating). I have worked on these, and my wife has worked on herself as well. My issue with your second article is it’s really a rehash of the first. Basically, it blames men for everything they do in a relationship (their tendencies) while having next to no accountability for their female counterpart.

    Marriages don’t end because both parties are doing everything right. Women leave men more than men leave women. However, the reasons are outlined are a bit too one sided. Essentially, if I take your article at face value, men must fix everything: be present, look deeply into their spouses soul, find themselves, exc. … And all of this might give them a chance at retaining their wife? No work on her part; all on him.

    Worse yet, I see this trend as you outlined in real relationships. Many women expect the man to be emotionally present, make the money, be a great father, and sacrifice their own souls for the family. Once the inevitable burn out comes many a woman look to move on. Your analysis of the problem is pretty right on, and you hold men accountable for their part. Too bad you gave nothing to our female counterparts: no accountability, no patterns of behavior on their part that get them where they leave, next to nothing.

    I thank you for some solid things for me to work on. I admonish you for giving our female partners a blank check to abuse.

    Reply
  5. Hunter

    Personally I found this article somewhat offensive as it clearly gives an impression that men are either at fault for why a woman leaves them, but then a man’s inadequacies as human beings is why they feel compelled to leave a woman. I think the part that is missing in these articles is the factor of the information was accumulated from men who attended councelling sessions and lacks data as to who initiated their attendance. There is a paticular type of man that will attend a councelling session, especially with their partner, but this does not in any way represent what all men are like. Consider that the past decade has seen men being attacked on a continual basis from absolutely every area as the media and Governments focus entirely on women issues. Men are portrayed as the only imposers of family violence, the lesser capable parent, the less intelligent of the sexes by way of simplicity and the positions in the workforce men have are not a result of entitlement, but instead a result of discrimination in their favour. Men know that there are no established institutions for them to report of family violence and control tactics, that if they go to a Family Court and don’t show a positive attitude towards their ex partner they can kiss their children goodbye and even their male humour and comments face significant risk of having them portrayed as vulgar sexist people or having poor attitudes towards women. As a man in todays modern society every where you go you are being forced to cope with a sudden push of sex equality that can only occur by having a period of significant discrimination against men. Men these days are more frightened to open up, express their feelings and show their own passions. I spent 11 years researching the lives of men in relationships and the most common elements were men do not like to be controlled and react very badly to psychological attempts to control their behaviour. Most men love the idea of being loved and admired and appreciated, but society these days focus far too much on men’s negatives and men just would like an occasional compliment. Men suffer in silence and often you find that a man will emotionally withdraw from a relationship with a person they actually love often out of concern they may later be vulnerable to significant attack and hurt in a modern society they know will show little care towards them. When a man leaves a woman and family, no matter what the circumstances these days they are portrayed as selfish, uncaring and motives were driven by sex or their ego. When a woman leaves a man they seem to more often be pitied and admired for their strength of taking on the upcoming burdens of family. Just a generation or two ago young men were educated at home to court, romance and woo a lady with manners and chivalry and also more often were the primary income earners and providers. So what has happened for modern man to seemingly have lost the ability of romance, affection and love. I will never agree with any article that suggests that men are incapable of these qualities by nature and not ask for a reason why.

    Reply
  6. chad

    So women leave because it’s men’s fault again? In the first article you suggested that men change and in this one it is again men being told to step up.

    Reply
  7. KM

    Can’t help but notice that both your articles on “why men/women leave their partners they love” sound very biased towards women. I don’t know why you would do that but it does sound biased. You mention in the earlier article justifying women leaving on random grounds which sound like men being themselves and a note at the end that says that article could apply to both genders; but then you write this another article after a year giving more weird reasons that I could not finish reading.

    I stopped at this:

    > “They cheat or carry on secret lives and secret affairs.”

    I have seen equal number of men and women do this in my lifetime if not more women cheating on men who are devoted to them. Somehow, my current state of mind is skewed towards believing there are very few women who really deserve love and devotion. They are programmed to cheat. They are programmed to be greedy and when the greed is not fulfilled in any area be it money, sex, or looks, they move on to the next level.

    All the love in the world is not enough for such greedy people and there are as many women as there are men of that kind. I wish there was more awareness about identifying that greediness so that so many people out there dont end up wasting their lives on parasites in the name of relationships.

    I think Marc above has expressed it a lot better and with a level-headed thought than I ever could. I agree with him for the most part.

    Reply
  8. SG

    I always find these posts late. I see that the last comment was in 2016. But, I’d like to make a comment anyway. I am a 43 year old single woman who has been left by two partners after 10 years each time. I was hoping for some insight. I agree with one comment above. This really didn’t offer women anything to work with. I guess, my bruised ego was looking for some sign that it is possible my partners loved me even though they left.
    But, I want to add that despite having been left twice, I don’t think it is all the man’s fault. I know I contributed to the demise of these relationships. I am sad about that. I know I have work to do so that hopefully the next time I will do better and choose better. When I say choose better, I don’t necessarily mean that my partners were bad men, but I mean choose a better match for me. Both times I kind of knew the match wasn’t 100% right either because of timing or connection. I highly recommend looking up Alison Armstrong for any women who might be reading this post for insights on men. Have hope guys! Not all women blame you.

    Reply
  9. T

    I wonder if this really is the case, or if in fact when men choose to end the relationship, they don’t involve counsellors and that is why you do not see it?

    I know a lot of men in my life that you are describing, who have become aloof in their relationships, and their partners blame them for not being present. The trouble is, why did he become disengaged to begin with?

    Therein lies the common issue with women, that many commenters were hoping you would touch on. I read your other article about the woman with anxiety, are you suggesting that this is a common theme?

    Reply
    1. Justice Schanfarber Post author

      Your question about why men become disengaged in the first place (and it isn’t only men of course) is an important one, and one that we must ultimately ask of ourselves. I do touch on this here > Why men leave women they love – What every woman needs to know

      Re “I read your other article about the woman with anxiety, are you suggesting that this is a common theme?” What’s common is that it can be difficult to discern between a personal issue and a relationship issue, and we can find ourselves expecting something from our partner that is really our own to address. The difference isn’t always clear.

      Reply
  10. Lit

    I wonder if this really is the case, or if in fact when men choose to end the relationship, they don’t involve counsellors and that is why you do not see it?

    I know a lot of men in my life that you are describing, who have become aloof in their relationships, and their partners blame them for not being present. The trouble is, why did he become disengaged to begin with?

    Therein lies the common issue with women, that many commenters were hoping you would touch on. I read your other article about the woman with anxiety, are you suggesting that this is a common theme?

    Reply
  11. Oslo

    I live in Norway. I’am close to 50 and have spend the last 25 years with the same partner. We have to daughters age 12 and 22. About once or twice a year we end up discussing if we should separate or try to work how to continue in a relationship that has value to both of us. In your article on why women leave men they love, you describe men who fish, do a lot of sport etc., as distant partners in the women’s perspective. In this article i hoped to read something about how men’s perspective on this angel, and what women should understand about men. I’am one of this men struggling with this perspective. When I do something I’am really passionate about it is often judged as an anti family thing to do by my wife and her friends. Even though i tend to do this activities with my daughters. I would love her to participate, but she would rather go shopping or to a fitness session with all women. She likes to do this for her self without the company of our daughters. I have no hard feelings about this – i love when she is engaged. I often encourage her to go. I can hear from my colleges and friends that this is a quite common pattern. In my perspective it seems like many women’s agree on what is an anti-family passion and what isn’t, and doesn’t do much to incorporate men’s passions in the category of pro-family passions or engagements. This pro, con and anti perspective on very different matters is very simplified. I hoped you would open up women’s perspective on what a family or partnership could also be, from a mans prospective. My impression is that many men from time to time think of the family and relationship as an agreement tailored by women with especially womens in mind. How open minded do you consider women to be when it comes to understanding mens perspective on what could be a pro-family or pro-relationship thing to do i their perspective? In my perspective men end relationships with women they love, because they feel women leaves them no choice, if they want to live out a dream their partner can not relate to. They are put in a situation where they have to choose. I do not remember ever putting a women in this situation.

    My english must be excused 🙂

    Reply

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