Why men leave women they love – What every woman needs to know

Why men leave women they love - Justice Schanfarber CounsellingOver a year ago I shared a simple insight gleaned from my work as a marriage counsellor about why women leave men they love. (Click here to read the original article.)

The article struck a chord worldwide, and I quickly received hundreds of emails, comments, questions and requests of all sorts. Many readers, women and men both, wanted to hear a comparable counter-point, something about why men leave the women they love, the assumption being that there must be some innate symmetry to this phenomenon. I’m not sure there is.

I have wrestled with this counter-point, this question of men leaving women they love, in my mind and on paper, for well over a year now.

Why men leave women they love… Or do they?

The truth is, in my clinical experience, I rarely see men doing the leaving. Men compartmentalize. They withdraw into work, hobbies, fantasy, or addiction. They cheat or carry on secret lives and secret affairs. They might create situations that make it impossible for a marriage or relationship to continue. Men also suffer silently, shouldering massive burdens. The men I work with often have a high tolerance for disconnection. They might leave a dissatisfying relationship in spirit (sometimes they never fully arrive), but they are unlikely to leave in body. Certainly the description above does not fit all men, but the general patterns I see in my couples counselling practice recur too often to ignore.

I find it interesting that when women leave a dead or dissatisfying relationship they are celebrated for their courage. (You can see this in some of the comments on the original article.) Men though, seem to be held to a different standard; by society, by each other, by women, and perhaps most importantly, by their own selves.

It might be a sense of duty or sacrifice that keeps men from leaving. Or an ability to cleave off parts of themselves that don’t fit into the box they feel they must occupy. A man’s focus on performance and success might make the feelings of a failed marriage intolerable, and so the shame of leaving is not an option.

Or perhaps men expect less from a relationship, less from love. Perhaps the painful and revelatory truth is that men expect less from life. Beneath whatever bravado we may see from the outside, many men are disconnected from any real, living sense of purpose in their lives. Their chests may be puffed out, but their hearts are empty.

As many women are awakening to long repressed (and suppressed) desires – for freedom, for expression, sensuality, power, intimacy, eroticism, authenticity, aliveness – their male counterparts may be trudging on, heads down.

In his book Iron John – A book about men, poet and author Robert Bly suggests that –

“… the European novel, a lovely phenomenon of the last two centuries, has taught more than one contemporary woman what a rich reservoir of impulses and longings she has in her soul that can be satisfied or remain unsatisfied… A twentieth century woman feels complicated sensibilities in herself that no ordinary or mortal man can meet.”

These complicated sensibilities do not seem to be surfacing in men in the same way, and perhaps rightly so. Women’s paths and men’s paths, while intertwined, seem also to be necessarily different. Nonetheless, men too have their own “complicated sensibilities” and their own “rich reservoirs” to discover and attend to.

In archetypal terms, we could say that many women continue to take on the lover qualities in a relationship, while men embody the warrior.  The warrior is able to put feelings aside and work for a greater good based on principles and ideals. This ability is valuable, but when these principles and ideals are divorced from a man’s true calling, when they are in opposition to his heart, the warrior energy becomes twisted, and the man becomes mechanical, cold, withdrawn. (Of course these roles may also be reversed. Plenty of women are discovering their inner warrior, and men their inner lover. All configurations can be valuable, and all can be troublesome.)

There’s a saying, “Do not give a sword to a man who can not dance.” Warrior energy is powerful and noble in its healthy and lively expressions, but if it becomes too rigid it morphs into a sad and dangerous parody of itself. The man who can not dance is a man who can not feel. He can not feel the rhythms of life, of others, of relationship. Dancing requires an alertness, it requires grace. Dancing requires an erotic intelligence. A man singularly focused, without these qualities, ends up cut off from feeling, inaccessible to himself and others.

Many a man has expressed great bitterness at his wife’s leaving, even as he has sacrificed so much of himself to fulfill the bargain he believed was necessary for a relationship or marriage. He has worked at a job that is dangerous, for his body or his soul. He has turned off much of his feeling so that he can perform adequately to provide economically for his family. When women leave these men, bewilderment sets in. These men believe they did everything they could. If we are not careful, victim and villain archetypes settle into our bones, and men and women find themselves pitted against each other, and ultimately against important aspects of themselves.

In my original article that roused so much attention, I pose a question to male readers –

“Can you feel your passion? If you’ve lost it, why? Where did it go? Find out. Find it. If you never discovered it you are living on borrowed time.”

If men aren’t able to be fully present in their relationship, even for five minutes at a time, it might be that they are disconnected from their heart, from their passion; strangers to their own “complicated sensibilities” and “rich reservoirs.” Paradoxically, men’s connection to these parts of themselves allows them to be fully present in relationship, AND it simultaneously gives them the power to leave.

If we want men to show up more profoundly, we must also be prepared for their long bottled up rage at being used and abused – as cannon fodder, economic fodder, entertainment fodder, family fodder and so on. If we want men connected to their passion for life, we must be prepared to listen to what these passions have to say. Sometimes the words will be no. Or goodbye.

As it is for Bly’s twentieth century woman, an awakening man becomes capable of both strengthening and destroying a marriage. If we want to preserve marriage at all costs, then best to kill all passions, all heart’s desire, all “complicated sensibilities” and “rich reservoirs.” Indeed, this has sometimes been official policy, at the personal and the cultural levels. If, however, we want a relationship with an awake, passionate, present, and empowered partner, we had better be willing to face all the possible outcomes. Frightening perhaps, but I don’t know a better option.

 

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Campbell River Marriage Counselling Justice Schanfarber Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counselling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on the issues that make or break relationships – Sessions by telephone/skype worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com

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7 thoughts on “Why men leave women they love – What every woman needs to know

  1. Angela Inglis

    Wow. What a deeply insightful and educational article. Justice, you continue to enlighten me with your laser-sharp insights and clear perspective on relationship. Thank you for sharing with us.

    Reply
  2. Nate

    This article feels like it’s being rather negative towards the male’s side. The other article talked about how men can lack passion for life, that can lead to women leave them even though the women still love them. And this article talks about how men can become too robotic because they’re filling gender stereotypes. This article doesn’t address women at all, the flaws in thier character, the things that push men away.

    As much as I got as a man from the original counter article to this one, I don’t think women will get anything similar. Instead of making women take a look at themselves and why their men would leave, it points the finger at men and how easy it is for them to leave.

    Reply
    1. Justice Schanfarber Post author

      Thanks for weighing in. I agree, there is no obvious gender symmetry to be had in these articles. Keep in mind that I am sharing brief insights from my experience as a counsellor, and not trying to provide comprehensive maps of gender dynamics or relationships. If a story putting a woman in the insight position would feel more satisfying or provide a sense of balance for you, you can always have a look at Marriage counselling made it worse – A tale of caution and hope.

      Best,
      Justice

      Reply
  3. Chris

    In both this article and your article on why women leave men, you frequently use the word passion. Unfortunately, in this day and age passion is one of the most commonly overused words in existence. It is difficult to really understand what passion even is. If most of your life is drudgery, being asked about your “passion” can make you want to withdraw even more.

    Reply
  4. Marc

    Interesting. This article, like your other one, seems to focus on men as ‘the problem.’ Yes, men contribute to broken homes AND SO DO WOMEN. Your descriptions on being present as a man are pretty dead on ., and I speak as a man that’s been with his with for 20 years (15 married, 5dating). I have worked on these, and my wife has worked on herself as well. My issue with your second article is it’s really a rehash of the first. Basically, it blames men for everything they do in a relationship (their tendencies) while having next to no accountability for their female counterpart.

    Marriages don’t end because both parties are doing everything right. Women leave men more than men leave women. However, the reasons are outlined are a bit too one sided. Essentially, if I take your article at face value, men must fix everything: be present, look deeply into their spouses soul, find themselves, exc. … And all of this might give them a chance at retaining their wife? No work on her part; all on him.

    Worse yet, I see this trend as you outlined in real relationships. Many women expect the man to be emotionally present, make the money, be a great father, and sacrifice their own souls for the family. Once the inevitable burn out comes many a woman look to move on. Your analysis of the problem is pretty right on, and you hold men accountable for their part. Too bad you gave nothing to our female counterparts: no accountability, no patterns of behavior on their part that get them where they leave, next to nothing.

    I thank you for some solid things for me to work on. I admonish you for giving our female partners a blank check to abuse.

    Reply
  5. chad

    So women leave because it’s men’s fault again? In the first article you suggested that men change and in this one it is again men being told to step up.

    Reply

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