The word “resolution” once meant “to loosen or release”

The word resolution comes from the Latin re (again) and solvere (to loosen or release). Today the meaning has reversed; resolution is now understood  to mean a tightening or holding. This reversal of meaning is  perhaps most clearly exemplified in our New Year’s Resolution ritual  where we hold tight to the ego’s heroic efforts against the world’s workings upon us and pit our force of will against every and all other voice, intelligence, or influence that might challenge these efforts.

One consciousness or many?

Ego consciousness is connected to the Hero archetype, and the Hero archetype recognizes only its own ego consciousness. The multitude of other  archetypal modes of consciousness – for example the modes of Trickster, Crone, Lover, Martyr, Magician – are either unrecognizable to the Heroic/Egoic mode (they simply do not exist) or they are condemned, demonized. If heroic consciousness cracks or breaks open – usually due to loss, illness, failure, or other tragic events beyond our control – and other modes of consciousness slip in, they tend to be forced out as soon as The Hero’s strength returns.

Our modern New Year’s Resolution ritual can be seen as the blanket denial of any mode of consciousness other than Ego consciousness, and the redoubled fight against any archetypal voice that is not The Hero’s.

According to available statistics, around eight percent of new years resolutions stick, which should perhaps put the Heroic/Egoic approach into some perspective, and yet because ego-consciousness recognizes only itself, the only option available to it is to redouble its efforts at eliminating all else.

This is not to say there’s something “wrong” with the New Year’s Resolution ritual, but rather to point out its associations and limits, and suggest a possible return to origins of meaning. What if we revisited the original understanding of resolution? What if the New Year’s Resolution wasn’t merely a ritual glorification of the egoic heroism that is our cultural default, but rather a ritualized annual return to “loosening and releasing?”

What (or who) is asking to be let loose or released in your life?
What (or who) has the Heroic Ego been holding captive?

Looking beyond The Hero – A different kind of resolution

The Hero takes on more burden and responsibility than is actually theirs, and this blinds The Hero to the existence and workings of the endless number of other archetypal modes of consciousness. We do not often release The Hero of their duties until we have no choice, until The Hero has been killed or otherwise conquered by life (or death) and we find ourselves suddenly in unfamiliar territory, subject to other forces.

A yearly ritual “releasing” could give The Hero a much needed break, and if The Hero was released of their duties, if we were able to loosen our grip on the Heroic/Egoic consciousness that we rely on daily, who else might step in? Which other voices, characters, and personalities could we come to know in the absence of the familiar?

If the trickster made a New Year’s Resolution, what would it  be? How about the Crone? Or the Lover? The Martyr or Magician? Who are the other other personalities silently buried in you? What are the desires of these other characters? What do they offer and what do they demand? What would they say if The Hero loosened its grip at the turn of the year and allowed them a voice?

 

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There’s a certain kind of sex that is like the best art. The best art expresses something hidden in the artist’s soul, something that calls, that may inspire and torture until it is revealed, borne through the artist’s medium.

Sex too can be the artistic medium, an expression of what is hidden in the soul, shadowy qualities and callings. But this kind of sex is maybe even more rare, more difficult, more demanding than the best art, for two human beings are required; two human beings collaborating blindly, blindly because they do not understand the contents of their soul any more than does the artist.

No matter how good you are at sex, how much “consciousness” you bring, how “sacredly” you view sex… Sex that speaks from the soul, sex that is like the best art, is always a blind or semi-blind invocation because it comes only partly from us and mostly from forces hidden, the soul’s contents being revealed in each moment – pleasure, then terror, then shame, hope, pleasure again – glimpses of understanding through the eyes of Psyche and Eros, glimpses fraught (as they must be, this is art!) with great danger and mysterious blessings.

And oftentimes no one to see. No witnesses. This art is hung in no galleries. It is mostly secret art.

Pornography attempts perhaps to reveal the soul in sex, to bring it out of hiding and into the cultural eye, but it captures only fragments of a particular frequency. Pornography fails to the degree that it does not only because it omits love; anyone who believes that sex is only (or even mostly) about love is missing the fuller soul message of sex. Love is but one face of soul’s desire.

Great art disturbs. And great sex too. Both pull at the threads of the veil that protects us from seeing too much, from going too deep; there’s a veil that protects us from seeing more than we can fathom. As the veil unravels we are confronted with hidden chambers of the psyche. Whether through great art or great sex, what we glimpse down there disturbs us… longing married to repulsion… tenderness mired in brutality. It’s difficult to know, moment to moment, if we are being created or destroyed, healed or wounded. We lose our innocence, so desperately clutched, and we become initiated.

Consider too the words of the 19th century German philosopher  Schopenhauer as he describes his ideas about the feeling of the “sublime” (from The World as Will and Representation) –

• Feeling of Beauty – Light is reflected off a flower. (Pleasure from a mere perception of an object that cannot hurt observer).
• Weakest Feeling of Sublime – Light reflected off stones. (Pleasure from beholding objects that pose no threat, objects devoid of life).
• Weaker Feeling of Sublime – Endless desert with no movement. (Pleasure from seeing objects that could not sustain the life of the observer).
• Sublime – Turbulent Nature. (Pleasure from perceiving objects that threaten to hurt or destroy observer).
• Full Feeling of Sublime – Overpowering turbulent Nature. (Pleasure from beholding very violent, destructive objects).
• Fullest Feeling of Sublime – Immensity of Universe’s extent or duration. (Pleasure from knowledge of observer’s nothingness and oneness with Nature).

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“I just want more harmony in my relationship.”

Many of the people who come to me for help tell me they want more harmony in their relationship, and I like using the idea of musical harmony to help understand what happens between two people in a marriage.

I recently had a client tell me “I love when my wife and I are just humming along at the same frequency.” I think this is true for many; we like humming along at the same frequency.

Reflecting on this idea of harmony and frequencies in relationship some analogies and insights arose –

First, we all tend to have our preferred frequency… And we also have a preferred frequency for our partner. In truth though, while we have a frequency that we strive for, there are actually a multitude of frequencies continually vibrating our psyche and shaping our being, and the same is true for our partner. This is an important truth to acknowledge for reasons we’ll explore.

Musical ideas of harmony indicate a mixing of frequencies, which is a somewhat different notion from “humming along at the same frequency.” Two people at the same frequency isn’t really harmony at all; it’s a monotone.

What is harmony in a relationship?

A harmony is a blending of different frequencies. In a relationship this means a mix of different moods, opinions, perspectives, ways of being. These different moods and ways of being move both in ourselves as individuals, and between us in relation to our partner. If we acknowledge this we see that many different kinds of harmonies are likely.

We’re likely to favour one particular type of harmony in our relationship. Our favoured harmony may or may not match our partner’s.

Different harmonies reflect different moods, feelings, images. Harmonies are organized into various keys or modes. In musical language, a “major” key has a strong unified tone, it drives forward, implies action. A “minor” key lags back, there’s melancholy, uncertainty. Other keys or harmonies correlate with tension, aggression, completion, sadness, joy, and so on.

The classical Greeks understood musical modes (keys) as expressions of various patterns of feeling, the same archetypal patterns or forces that continue to move through us and our relationships today.

When we say we want “harmony” in our relationship, we are usually talking about one particular type of harmony based on our preferred moods, modes, or frequencies. We want to feel one certain type of “feeling tone” in our relationship.

Too often we forget or ignore the multitude of frequencies in and around us, and so we dismiss a multitude of possible harmonies that are being played (or playing us) in our lives together. We fail to appreciate the complex or difficult harmonies woven into our relationship, sounds that to the uninitiated ear sound dissonant, non-musical.

In this sense, it behooves us to broaden our musical repertoire. We may have a strong preference for upbeat pop songs, and so avoid those harmonies that evoke longing, sadness, tension, or other modes of feeling we deem “negative” or undesirable.

The less pleasant harmonies of our lives and relationships may be muffled through our efforts, but they will not be silenced.

The difficult music of composers and improvisers like John Cage or John Coltrane might not match your preferred harmonies, but they may perfectly represent some of that multitude of frequencies that get too little appreciation in life and love.

Music that is built upon difficult, complex harmonies may not get us up and dancing; its purpose is different. Difficult harmonies give voice to the more dark, confusing, or troublesome frequencies that are part of the multitude running through each of us.

In a relationship we tend to reject difficult feelings out of preference for our favoured feelings, and yet if those difficult feelings get no voice they start to rattle and make noise. Harmonies reflect feelings, and feelings are multitudinous.

We may want a “happy” marriage, we may insist upon it, and so try to amplify only those chords that match our desire, but the multitude of frequencies that move us may pull us instead toward harmonies that are more challenging, and these challenges potentially introduce us to further richness and depth. There’s a reason that music appreciation classes are taught in colleges and universities; difficult and complex music requires a special kind of listening. The point of these classes isn’t to simplify the music, the point is to learn how to appreciate it, to listen differently, more deeply, to refine our musical aesthetic.

We can change the dial, always trying to find our favourite song, or we can develop a more sophisticated ear, finding the beauty – perhaps aching or terrible – in all the precious music, all the difficult harmonies running through our life and relationship.

Want more harmony in your marriage or relationship? Try this exercise –

If you’ve ever felt like you want more harmony in your marriage or relationship, try this exercise –

Choose some music that represents the particular type of relationship harmony you prefer. Discover the feeling tone of the music. Give it a name – Upbeat. Intense. Chill. Difficult. Sensuous. Fun. Dark. What music does your partner choose to represent the kind of relationship harmony they prefer?

Now find some music to represent the moods that are actually being played in your relationship. Maybe you resist, dislike, even hate the sound and feel of this music. How do you characterize this music? What sort of harmonies form this music? What’s the feeling tone? Can you let this music move you in some way? Can you find some appreciation for it?

Try having a conversation along these lines with your partner. Listen to different kinds of music together with this kind of metaphorical ear. Make distinctions between the various musical moods you hear and then relate them to the emotional tones that shape your lives as individuals and as a couple.

The literal differences between your musical tastes and your partner’s may become very clear, but try to go deeper with the metaphor. Relate the various musical styles, feeling tones, and “harmonies” to how you think about and experience your relationship. Music, after all, is a metaphor for our lives, and so can be used to glimpse life (and love) from other angles.

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Acro yoga date night

The other night I learned a little bit more about communication in relationships when my partner and I went to an acro yoga date night at our local yoga studio.

Acro yoga is short for acrobatic yoga and is also sometimes called partner yoga because it is designed for two people. Typically one person acts as a “base” and provides support to let their partner “fly.” At the event we attended, there was also stretching and some fun partner games.

It was two hours long, and everyone there was able to learn enough of the basics to have a good time. Our acro yoga experience was fun, playful, and physically engaging; all great qualities for a date night.

Acro yoga as relationship metaphor

It occurred to me as I looked around the room that I was seeing relationship dynamics in action all around me. Acro yoga was providing a metaphorical insight into the essence of each couple’s lives together.

It’s been said that how we do something is how we do everything, and an activity like acro yoga will often reveal the something we do that affects the everything we do, especially in relationship with our partner.

“We need better communication tools” is the refrain I hear daily from the struggling couples who call me for help. Partner yoga is all about communication, and it provides a format for practicing communication in an unfamiliar and neutral environment.

Acro-yoga requires qualities like trust, connection, surrender, leadership, collaboration, negotiation and personal responsibility. There’s a give/take sense of leading and following, of giving and receiving. A partner yoga class like the one we attended could very likely help someone see firsthand where they struggle with trust or other important areas of relationship, including –

• Asking for what they want or making requests
• Offering (or receiving) support
• Working co-operatively
• Dealing with frustration or failure
• Tendencies to blame, shame, withdraw, or give up
• Boundaries

If we’re able to use an experience like acro yoga (certainly there are many other experiences as well) to look at ourselves and our relationship, we might also be able to use it to work on ourselves and our relationship dynamic. The context of an acro yoga date night offers a possibility to first see things differently, and then to do things differently.

If the communication isn’t working there on the yoga mat, you’ll know quickly. Then you can use the space as a playground or laboratory to experiment with new approaches. It’s a relatively low-stakes situation, but it’s also visceral, immediate, embodied. You’re literally holding each other up. It demands your attention.

I’m not the only one who recognizes the partner communication benefits of acro yoga. I noticed that our teacher Katie Thacker was quoted in the news –

“Just being able to say ‘hey that doesn’t feel good or that feels really great, or can you please bring me down?’ Being able to express things in those ways helps build communication.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Our teachers Katie Thacker and Brandon Sherbrook were great, and they offer their acro yoga date nights around Victoria and Vancouver Island (see their website here). If acro yoga holds any interest for you, look for classes in your area!

 

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Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counselling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on the issues that make or break relationships – Sessions by telephone/skype worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com

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