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Interdependence in relationships – How do we get there from here?

It’s easy to be an advocate for the virtue of interdependence in relationships. You give some, you take some, you can count on each other… what’s not to love.

The word itself has a distinctly modern ring (it peaked in popularity around 1980 and is still going strong), implying a kind of balance that many of us today crave, and reflecting the non-hierarchical ideal so popular in these times.

Interdependence is indeed an apt descriptor for relationships that are resilient, balanced, and mutually enjoyable and supportive for the people in them, and interdependence is a worthy vision and a worthy goal. But how to get there? Do you just decide “From now on I’m going to have an interdependent relationship!”?

Likely not. If interdependence is to thrive in a relationship, first the stages of both dependence and independence will probably have to be sufficiently navigated.

Interdependence comes after dependence and independence

Interdependence in relationships isn’t really a choice, it’s a developmental milestone, a marker of maturity. You don’t just one day choose to be interdependent in relationship (though your choices in general will factor), you grow into being interdependent in relationship.

To grow into a state of relationship interdependence there are, for most of us, prerequisites. One of these prerequisites is experiencing a sufficient amount of dependence in relationships. The other prerequisite is experiencing sufficient independence in a relationship. Now, if you’re a born relationship genius, a Mozart of the interpersonal realm, maybe you can skip these steps, but the rest of us are more or less bound to a certain developmental path.

Interdependence isn’t some mid-ground between being dependent and being independent; it’s a whole different level, one that is potentially reached after accomplishing the tasks at the prior (lower) levels of dependence and independence.

Dependence and independence are both negative and positive

All of us begin our life journey completely dependent on our mother (or a sufficient surrogate). In this sense dependence comes naturally. At some point we grow toward independence; we begin to recognize ourselves as separate from mother. Depending on how we come to understand our experiences, dependence and independence have negative, positive or ambivalent connotations in our life, and we bring these into our intimate adult relationships.

It is in our adult relationships that we work through our issues (most of us have them) around dependence and independence. Hopefully we learn healthy modes of both: how to lean on our partner, have them lean on us, and also how to stand on our own two feet, and allow our partner to do the same. There are healthy and necessary aspects to both modes of being in relationship.

Independence, dependence, or both?

It’s not uncommon to have strong negative associations with dependence or independence or both. Both have a dark side and a light side. Dependency can include generosity, support, and understanding. It can also include manipulation, smothering, and powerlessness. Independence can include self confidence, emotional differentiation, and freedom. It can also include isolation, disconnection, and arrogance.

Put another way, most of us have a complicated relationship with either (or both) dependence or independence. We have to reconcile ourselves with both before we can proceed to the next level.

Some of the positive qualities we can learn through dependence include –

• Trust
• Receiving
• Generosity
• Intimacy
• Co-regulation

Some of the positive qualities we can learn through independence include –

• Personal responsibility
• Boundaries
• Accountability
• Appreciation for solitude
• Self-regulation

The level of interdependence we can achieve in our relationship hinges upon how well we have integrated the best of both dependence AND independence, and how we have reconciled ourselves with our negative experiences of both. If you want to move toward greater interdependence, take an inventory of your skills in the areas of dependence and independence. Identify the gaps, work on them, and you will be working toward interdependence.

To learn more about interdependence in relationships check out my book The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples (download a free sample chapter here).

Do you have something to say about this topic? Leave a comment below.

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Is it OK to have expectations in a relationship?

Show me a relationship without expectations and I’ll show you a relationship built upon denial, passive-aggressive behaviours, rageful outbursts, and/or quiet despair.

We all have expectations of our partner whether we admit it or not. Acknowledging our expectations to ourselves and our partner means risking difficult conversations and even conflict. It means identifying and communicating our boundaries. This isn’t everyone’s strong point, so many people will avoid confronting their own expectations until things become unbearable, at which point they may suddenly leave the relationship.

Other people haven’t yet discovered that expectations are a normal and necessary part of relationships, so they twist themselves in knots trying to not expect anything. It’s as though having expectations is some kind of failure of character.

Still other people have extraordinary and unrealistic expectations that are bound to eventually make trouble in the relationship. These kinds of expectations are often unconscious, unexamined, and unarticulated, though I’ve worked with some individuals who demonstrably believe themselves to be entitled to their unrealistic and unfair expectations of their partner. In these cases it can be useful to explore where these expectations came from and to re-assess their legitimacy.

It’s helpful to get clear on what your expectations of your partner are, and to name them explicitly. Then you can assess them and decide which ones to discard and which to stand by. Which of your expectations are reasonable? Which are unreasonable? Which are downright ridiculous? (It’s OK to have a laugh at yourself!). Which are negotiable? Which are non-negotiable? Again, having no expectations (like having no boundaries) isn’t really an option in a healthy, vital, reciprocally satisfying relationship.

Ultimately everyone has to determine for themselves which of their expectations (and their partner’s) are reasonable or unreasonable, but I do have some ideas on the topic to share –

What are reasonable expectations in a relationship?

Some examples of expectations that fall into the category of reasonable –

• I expect my partner to tell me the truth about their feelings and intentions.
• I expect my partner to do what they say they will do, or offer an explanation when they are unable to follow through on their commitments.
• I expect my partner to apologize and genuinely feel sorry when they mis-step and hurt me.
• I expect my partner to reveal enough of their inner world to me that I can feel emotionally intimate with them.
• I expect my partner to be able to hear my perspectives even when they differ from their own.

What are unreasonable expectations?

Some examples of expectations that fall into the category of unreasonable –

• I expect my partner to read my mind or know more about my inner world than I can articulate.
• I expect my partner to reveal everything about their inner world all the time.
• I expect my partner to get all their needs met by me and to meet all my needs.
• I expect my partner to always match my level of either emotionality or rationality.
• I expect my partner to see the world pretty much exactly as I do.

The question isn’t whether you have expectations of your partner (you do, even if you don’t recognize it), it’s whether you are conscious of these expectations and willing to articulate them clearly. Also, you don’t have to immediately affirm or discard your expectations. Start by recognizing them. Name them. Live with them for a while and continue to examine them in the context of your relationship, then decide which ones you need to hold on to and which ones you want to let go of; just be honest with yourself about the difference.

To learn more about managing expectations in relationships, read my book The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples.

Do you have something to say about this topic? Leave a comment below.

Follow me on social media for sex and relationship tips, tools, and insights – Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

Like what you’re reading here?
You’ll love my book.
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Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counselling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on the issues that make or break relationships – Sessions by telephone/skype worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com

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Approval seeking or authentic generosity?

There’s a difference between authentic generosity and approval seeking. There’s a difference between an act of sacrifice based on having much to give and an act of sacrifice that is based on your inner bereftness and desperate need for acceptance.

The trouble is that while the differences and the implications of the differences between these two sets of motivations are huge, it’s still easy to confuse one for the other. This confusion happens when we mistake our own intentions and motivations and it happens when we mistake the intentions and motivations of our partner.

Abundance vs scarcity

Authentic generosity is an act of abundance. A generous partner is in touch with their own self worth, so they are not seeking it from their partner.

Approval seeking is an act of scarcity. An approval seeking partner abdicates their own needs and desires repeatedly, in the hopes that by giving what they don’t actually have they will one day feel “good enough”.

Authentically generous partners are rich with positive self-regard, and so they can afford to make compromises and sacrifices in order to support their partner’s needs and desires.

Approval seeking partners are lacking in positive self-regard, and so have little to really give. They operate at an ongoing energy deficit, constantly giving more than they really have to give, hoping that one day their sacrifices will pay off.

Authentically generous partners are honest (with themselves and others) about their giving abilities, and they give with no strings attached. They can also choose not to give when giving would harm or deplete themselves, and they can be straightforward about their decision.

Default giving

Approval seeking partners are not honest with themselves or their partners about their giving abilities. They will bleed themselves dry, and there are always strings attached. Approval seeking partners operate in a giving default.

It’s worth noting, the kind of generosity or “giving” I refer to is broad and multiple: time, energy, attention, sex, money, etc.

Two different worlds

An authentically generous person will likely be confused and disbelieving when they discover that their approval seeking partner gives only in hopes of gaining something in return. An approval-seeking person will likely be confused and disbelieving when they discover that their authentically generous partner is able to give without reservation and without hopes of obtaining self-esteem in the exchange.

The approval seeking partner is likely also to feel bewildered at their authentically generous partner’s ability to say no when needed and to reserve their time, energy, sexuality, money or praise in times of deficit. Saying “no” for reasons of self-care is not in the approval-seeking partner’s lexicon; instead they blame their partner for their own exhaustion and lack.

Approval seekers wonder “Am I lovable?”

Approval seeking in relationships very often comes down to a worry that one is not fundamentally lovable. The approval seeking partner is constantly testing their lovability, constantly trying to prove or secure their lovability. For this individual the stakes are very high.

The authentically generous person knows they are fundamentally lovable. They do not doubt this.

When I work with couples where one partner reveals their doubt of their own lovability, the other person is often shocked. They can not imagine such a sad state. It takes some time for them to consider the ramifications, to come to terms with their partner’s view of themselves and of the world. There might also be a sense of relief; certain behaviours are finally understood.

The approval seeking partner in a relationship begins to make strides in their own development (and integrity) the moment they recognize their motives. From here they might change not only their behaviours in the relationship, but they might also confront their own inner world, their emptiness, their grief, their rage. This is important work.

Broadening the lens

For the sake of clarity I’ve sketched out one particular dynamic in its simplest form: The authentically generous partner who believes in their own goodness and lovability and is able to give (or not) from a place of abundance, integrity, and self-respect, and the approval seeking partner who constantly has to test or prove their own goodness and lovability and gives only from a place of scarcity and self-doubt.

I’ve used an extreme either/or polarized relationship dynamic here for showing contrast, and this dynamic shows up a lot in real relationships, but other variations also show up, ie – authentic generosity and approval-seeking are not necessarily hard-wired, mutually exclusive absolutes; a person may fluctuate between these two states at different times. Two people in relationship may fluctuate between these two states at different times, sometimes “tagging off” one for the other based on unconscious cues shared between one another.

Sometimes there is no authentically generous person in a relationship; both people are stuck in approval seeking mode. When the limits of this dynamic are reached the relationship implodes with a particular intensity.

The point here is to identify when you are giving from a place of true abundance and integrity, and when your giving is fused to approval seeking, with its correlated exhaustion and resentment. Consider this individually, and also have a conversation with your partner. What insights do they have for you? How do they experience your giving, and their own?

To learn more about approval seeking in relationships read my book The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples.

Have something to say about this topic? Leave a comment below.

All My Best,
Justice Schanfarber

Follow me on social media for sex and relationship tips, tools, and insights – Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

Like what you’re reading here?
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His rage was that of an abandoned child. At 55 years old, he was no longer that abandoned child, but the child consciousness lived on within him. Rage had flared throughout his life and was now threatening to end his marriage. His wife of thirty years had had enough; she would no longer bear witness (or brunt) to the rage of the man she had shared a life with. From this time onward, something would change. Either he found his way beyond rage, or he would proceed upon life’s journey without her company.

She was finally very clear about the line she had drawn. It was a boundary thirty years in the making. (This is how our most important boundaries often form, slowly, over time). It broke her heart, but nourished her soul.

He quickly recognized her clarity, and he believed what she told him. It infuriated him initially, but he also came to respect her for taking this position and standing up for her own well-being. If only he had been able to stand up for himself with such surety and self-respect. How many times had he resorted to rage-ful defiance instead of a mature integrity over the course of his own life? Reflecting upon his inability flooded him with shame, the feeling his rage had protected him from.

Rage becomes grief

I witnessed this man break, facing his loss, and no longer able to fend off the feelings of shame. His breaking continued over the course of weeks. He broke and broke and broke. His breaking became grief.

He grieved at his weakness. He grieved for his misdeeds, his lost opportunities, his unfulfilled potential. He grieved for his children and their experiences of him as a father. Finally he grieved for his own inner hurt child, an act he never could have imagined before.

In his grief a strange thing happened. The man softened. Grief had taken the place of rage in his heart. Was it better? It was different. Time would tell.

Rage is arrogance. Grief is humility.

Rage is arrogance; grief is humility. Rage can feel like power; grief is often fraught with shame. The two experiences appear (and feel) oppositional, and yet they are also linked. What is the thread that connects them?

This kind of grief takes time to ripen. It comes from and connects us to the depths. Not everyone is ready for this, and so rage finds an easy way in.

Any three year old can rage, and a three year old’s rage doesn’t look much different from a 55 year old’s. Grief is different. I don’t mean to diminish a child’s grief, but a long life somehow adds its own weight, and the longer one lives without feeling their grief, the more weighty it becomes.

Rage displaces grief

Rage covers over grief like anger covers over sadness, and by the time rage is all used up grief will be fully ripened. It hits like waves, breaking over us and breaking us in ways that rage never did.

Rage propped us, propelled us.
Grief sinks us.

Rage is surface – the skin flushes, fists clench.
Grief is deep – the heart breaks, gut aches.

Rage fills us.
Grief hollows us out.

Rage may persist as the primary force in a life until grief matures and steps up to take its place. Or maybe rage burns itself out, falls away, and reveals the grief underlying. Either way, the story of rage finally giving way to grief is a common story, a shared path, a sacred journey.

Not everyone takes the same path, but if you find yourself on this one I hope this piece of writing gives you some kind of orientation, some understanding, some company. (This story is about a man, but it is commonly a woman’s story too.)

To learn more about navigating relationship difficulties, read my book The Re-Connection Handbook for Couples.

Do you have something to say about this topic? Leave a comment below.

Follow me on social media for sex and relationship tips, tools, and insights – Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

Like what you’re reading here?
You’ll love my book.
Read the first 10 pages free.

Trying to grow, fix, change, understand or save your marriage? I provide couples therapy, marriage counselling, coaching and mentoring to individuals and couples on the issues that make or break relationships – Sessions by telephone/skype worldwide. Email justice@justiceschanfarber.com to request a client info package. www.JusticeSchanfarber.com

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