Here’s a simple relationship rule: Never, ever re-enforce your partner’s negative self-talk.
In other words…
Let your partner face their own inner critic, rather than your criticism
Before you offer criticisms of any kind, ask yourself if they already have that voice telling them the same thing in their head. If they’re feeling down on themselves because they made a poor decision, let them confront their own inner critic before you jump in.
Whatever their struggle, do they really need you echoing their own hurtful inner dialogue?
In many cases you might not need to say a word. If they ask you, try gently putting it back to them. Ask how THEY feel about it. If you agree with their assessment, you can say so. I’m not saying you should lie about what you think or how you feel, but let their confrontation be with themselves rather than with you whenever you have the choice.
It’s through self-confrontation, and by creating a relationship environment where that is possible and encouraged, that growth happens. Like so many keys to growth and change, this depends on “catching yourself in the act” and changing habitual, reflexive behaviour.
Are you robbing your partner of their personal growth?
You might not have noticed this, but every time you take on the role of critic, you potentially distract your partner from an important task.
Here’s a brief example from an article I wrote a few years ago –
Leila works full time at a very stressful job and feels guilty about not spending enough time with their infant son. Their current childcare is not sustainable. Leila is thinking about preschool, but has mixed feelings. She struggles with her familiar internal dilemma. Franz sees her struggle and steps in with his own opinion, which is always the rational point of view.
“Think about it Leila, preschool is the only logical solution.”
Leila reflexively snaps at Franz and accuses him of being cold. The internal struggle that Leila was facing has now been externalized, and Leila no longer has to feel her dilemma. She can now project the criticism that she had for herself out onto Franz.
Don’t turn an inner conflict into a relationship conflict
If your partner is having an inner conflict, let them. When you butt in and take over one of the voices in their head, their inner conflict gets externalized and becomes a conflict between the two of you. Then, not only do you create unnecessary (and unproductive) conflict between the two of you, you also rob your partner of a golden opportunity to resolve something within themselves.
This doesn’t mean you can’t weigh in or be a sounding board or be supportive, just practice good emotional boundaries and recognize what is theirs and what is yours.
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