“I like when they feel sad or hurting because that’s when they open up.”
This kind of candid, unambiguous statement is not uncommon in my work, and I have felt similarly in my own life.
Many of the relationship coaching and marriage counseling clients I’ve helped over the past two decades have shared stories with me about the closeness they feel with their partner through episodes of sadness, grief, doubt, or hurt.
For some couples, it’s only through these “breakdowns” that the protective armor cracks and a deeper emotional connection can finally be reached.
Vulnerability and emotional intimacy
When this association between hurt and openness is established, “vulnerability” comes to be seen as the doorway through which the pleasures of emotional intimacy are accessed.
Vulnerability comes from the Latin word for “wound,” vulnus. Vulnerability is the state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are.
This attentiveness (and attunement) to the wound, and a willingness to be “open to injury”, defines emotional intimacy for many people.
Vulnerability-based intimacy is promoted and normalized through books, social media, and conventional counseling and therapy.
I’ve been actively immersed in the ever-evolving theories and practices of emotional intimacy for over twenty years as a professional in the field, and through this intimate experience with intimacy I’ve discovered something ironic: the vulnerability-based openness that is presented as emotional intimacy is, itself, a product of hyper-rational living and emotional suppression.
It works like this:
Someone who has adopted pure rationality as their ideal suppresses or denies their emotional experience. This creates an inner tension between the thinking self (rational) and the feeling self (emotional).
It’s only when emotions get the best of them, and their rational armor cracks, that feelings come spilling out, sometimes to the hungry approval and enthusiasm of an intimacy-craving partner.
But there’s a kind of emotional experience way over at the other end of the spectrum that can also provide doorways into intimacy.
Joy-based emotional intimacy
This other end of the emotional spectrum includes joy, humor, inspiration, excitement, playfulness, exuberance, optimism, contentment, clarity, appreciation, celebration, and fun.
These kinds of emotions are not associated with vulnerability, and they form the basis for something I call “joy-based intimacy.”
To transition from the achy, bittersweet intimacy of meeting each other in vulnerability to the pure, sweet intimacy of meeting each other in joy, it’s helpful to disentangle some popular misunderstandings and to acquaint yourself with the deeper nature of emotion.
“Getting emotional”
Clients often use the words “getting emotional” when they tell me a story of emotional upset or volatility in themselves or in another person.
To “get emotional” is, by this definition, to lose control of a rational grip on reality, and to slip into the clutches of an irrational chaos.
This reflexive negative bias toward emotion is mostly unexamined, and is the product of cultural inheritance rather than any kind of conscious personal view. I know this from my many inquiries of clients who use this language in our sessions.
It’s common to believe that rationality is the backbone of personal and collective progress, and that it is the superior mode for the advancement of things good. From this point of view, emotionality is seen as a disruption of an established and desirable order. But this reveals a misunderstanding of the deeper nature of emotion.
It’s true that emotion is non-rational; indeed, emotion operates differently and distinctly from the cognitive/rational mind.
Emotion is an older way of engaging the world, and an older mode of consciousness than the more recently developed cognitive/rational mind, and so it is assumed to be somewhat outdated, an old-brain relic of a human past fraught with danger and threat.
From this perspective, emotion is a reflex or “trigger”, a product of the primordial brain, and an obstacle to the serious endeavors of serious people who have succeeded in boxing emotion up and meeting life reasonably. This attitude is perhaps best exemplified by Victorian-era Europe, known for its emotional mistrust and suppression, and also for its role in founding modern psychology just a few generations ago.
But “getting emotional” does not just mean upset and irrationality. “Getting emotional” also means getting inspired. Inspiration is emotion in one of its purest forms.
“Getting emotional” means getting confident and optimistic and joyful and loving.
For some people, “getting emotional” just means getting messy. But this misses the deeper truth of what emotion is and what it can be.
The deeper nature of emotion
The deeper nature of emotion is not chaotic, uncontrollable, and messy. It is peaceful, stable, clear, and strong.
A well-developed emotionality is characterized by qualities of clarity, guidance, and satisfaction unlike anything that the rational/cognitive system can comprehend or deliver.
And although emotion is older than reason, it is not frozen in time.
Emotion continues to evolve in human beings, and people who engage consciously in the development of their own emotionality can make remarkable advances in their pragmatic and fruitful use of it.
Engaging consciously in the development of your own emotionality does not mean trying to control it through force. It also does not mean indiscriminate expression, as we’ll see in a moment.
Part of the appeal of vulnerability-based intimacy is that it welcomes and accepts the full range of human emotional experience. It offers an expansive view beyond pure rationalism. It brings warmth to the cold.
Joy-based intimacy takes this a step further, recognizing that beyond passively accepting the full range of human emotion, there is the possibility of actually creating your own emotional experience.
The people practicing, enjoying, and benefiting from joy-based intimacy recognize their power as creators of their emotional life, not just willing observers.
The move from vulnerability-based intimacy to joy-based intimacy is a process of personal emotional development, and this development proceeds through three predictable stages.
Three stages of emotional development
The three stages of emotional development are explained in detail in my article Growing Beyond Therapy Culture and Learning to Thrive, in my R3 Relationship Masterclass and in Module Six of my Free 7-Day Audio Course: The Gentle Art of Emotional Mastery. Understanding these stages is immensely beneficial for improving a relationship and for enriching a life overall.
Briefly, they are:
- Emotional Suppression. At this stage there is little emotional intimacy in a relationship because there is little emotion being expressed.
- Emotional Expression. At this stage emotion has been fully embraced. Emotional intimacy at this stage is associated with vulnerability, and tends to be fraught with chaos, volatility, dilemma, discomfort, struggle, or pain. “I like when they feel sad or hurting because that’s when they open up.”
- Emotional Discretion. At this stage emotion is engaged and activated discerningly, with conscious intention and a growing amount of creative control. Superficial emotionality (chaos) has given way to the deeper nature of emotion (clarity, satisfaction). Vulnerability-based intimacy is still available and enjoyed sparingly, but joy-based intimacy becomes the new standard.
There’s an elegant balance and alignment to be found within our rationality, within our emotionality, and between the two. Only when this elegant balance and alignment is established through our individual developmental journey through the three stages do we gain full access to joy-based intimacy.
Joy-based intimacy is a result of moving past the first stage of idealized rationality and emotional suppression, and past the second stage of indiscriminate emotional glorification and expression.
Re-calibrating for joy-based emotional intimacy
If you, like so many people today, have conditioned yourself to seek vulnerability-based intimacy and closeness, and you are now waking up to the possibility of joy-based intimacy, you can begin by adjusting your emotional attunement and focus. This means re-calibrating your nervous system, your imagination, and even how you experience sensation in your body.
Rather than looking for feelings of connection in sadness, grief, doubt, or hurt, start looking for connection in joy, humor, playfulness, and ease. When you find resonance in these kinds of higher-vibing emotions, go deeper. Nurture the part of the experience that feels intimate, like you’re used to doing with grief or sadness.
Look for the deeper connection in playfulness and joy, in clarity and well-being, and then deepen it even more. Don’t try to deepen it through becoming earnest, solemn, or reverent. Deepen it through light-heartedness, cheerfulness, certainty, clarity, and enjoyment. Notice how different this feels. It’s a different vibration. It’s different energy. It isn’t achy or cathartic like the old vulnerability-based intimacy, but it’s every bit as deep and satisfying once you get attuned to it.
Going deep into joy
I used to believe that “going deep” meant delving into the bottomless murk of hurt or conflict, trauma or grief. Now when I go deep, it’s into joy and delight. It turns out there is depth in both, and I have found my preference.
If you think you might prefer joy-based intimacy and depth over vulnerability-based intimacy and depth, start practicing what I’ve described here. And check out some of my other resources like my P2 Power Couple Coaching Program, where you can take advantage of my twenty years in the field with one-on-one coaching. Or my R3 Relationship Masterclass, a distillation of all my experience into a deeply nourishing 3-hour download of audio teachings.
Some of my free offerings will help too:
The Gentle Art of Emotional Mastery 7-Day Audio Course covers just about everything you need to know about making the shift from vulnerability-based intimacy to joy-based intimacy. I recommend starting at module one, but you can also jump right to module three to learn about aligning rationality with emotion.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve certainly heard me talk about the three human operating systems: cognition, emotion, and sensation. Intentionally engaging and aligning these three energy channels is an important foundation of The Schanfarber Method, and has endless practical benefits. You can read more about the three operating systems in my description of the method here.
There’s nothing wrong with vulnerability-based intimacy. It has its benefits, and its place on the developmental journey. But there is something even better, something even more satisfying waiting for you.
Joy-based intimacy is still a leading-edge idea. Few people are actively practicing it and fewer still are openly discussing it or teaching it. If you’re experimenting with a shift from vulnerability-based intimacy into joy-based intimacy, or if you are well along on this journey, I’d love to hear about your experiences. Please share your insights in the comments below.
